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A Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon story
by Benjamin A. Oliver

Disclaimer: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon belongs to Takeuchi Naoko, Koudansha, TV Asahi, and Toei Douga, and DIC.

This is a blatant SI.  You have been warned.

What has gone before: Oh dear, Ben and his sidekick prereader Jason were in a mix-up, and they both got stuck in the back of Chibiusa's mind!

Dare we go forward?

Dare we???

[Begin Gratuitous Self-Insertion Venture, Part Two!]

The Deathbuster trio ran through a thick, dense jungle.

The leader huffed and puffed as they hoofed along the half-overgrown trail. She was a young woman with short spiky pink hair, a red halter-top and blue sweatpants. "C'mon, yewz mugs!" she shouted in a gruff voice. "We'z gots a mission ta complete, don'tcha fah'get!"

Behind her were two men. The first was tall, had long black hair, wore a white labcoat, and had a black visor-shade over his eyes. "Yeh," he snorted. "Da Jade Monkey."

"Doct'r Dementoe," the woman called back, "you got them there coordinates, 'er what?!"

The second man pulled out a Global Positioning Device and checked to see where the little blinking dot was located. He was a short, balding hunchback with a gray labcoat and goggles covering his itty bitty, squinty eyes. "Jhesss, Subcomandante Chidisyte!" he called back with a short salute. "Vhee should findt eet jhust ahedt!" He pointed toward the brush ahead of them.

The taller man whipped out a pair of machetes and in a stiff pair of chopping motions, he parted the brush, revealing a small steel hatch.

"Good work, Profe'sur Kalypsoe," Chidisyte congratulated him.

"Coup," Kalypsoe breathed, pushing his visor back against the bridge of his nose. "Coup De'taut."

Chidisyte knelt down and turned the wheel on the hatch. With a flick of her wrist, she flung it open.

The metal hatch made a clanging noise as it was torn from its hinge and went crashing through the rain forest.

One by one, the three hopped down into the hatch.

"Hey, I can't see nuh'in," Chidisyte grumbled.

With a click, Doctor Dementoe turned on a flashlight and shined it around. "It zheems zhat vhee half to go through ont other doohr."

"Really?" Kalypsoe asked sarcastically, smoothing back his ebony locks. "No kiddin'."

"Awright," the Subcomandante stated, turning around to face the pair of Deathbuster soldiers. "Yew guyz know the mission profile, raight?"

Dementoe squinted in the faint light. "Vhee are jheere to findt zhee Jade Mounkey, no?"

"Yeah," Chidisyte agreed, tilting her stance and putting a hand on her hip. "We're here ta find the Jade Monkey so we c'n use it fer a beacon fer Pharaoh Ninety ta come n' blow up da planet."

"Dude," Kalypsoe commented with a grin.

"One thing, though," the pink-haired woman added. "Ta get it, we needz ta blast through awl da creeps n' critters 'round here in da house."

"Zhis is nut a hoose," Doctor Dementoe cut in, his accent shifting in an undeterminable manner, "zhis is unt enemiee factoree."

"Gnarly," Professor Kalypsoe added, bobbing his head up and down. His heavily greased hair didn't move at all.

"Now, get'cher stuff out," Chidisyte drawled. She snapped her fingers and a large rucksack appeared in the middle of the floor between them.

Dementoe flipped the sack open and withdrew his big, extendable ten-million-volt cattle prod. "Jah!"

*Shwissh* Kalypsoe pulled out a whetstone and ran it along his machetes. He swung them around with a flourish and sheathed them at his sides. "Rock on!"

Finally, Chidisyte put on a bandolier of grenades and hefted her oversized, long-chained Gatling gun. "Let's go."

The Subcomandante aimed her weapon at the offending door, shouted, "Chidi-Chidi Bang-Bang!" and pulled the trigger.

*BRRRDAH-BRRDAH-BRRDAHHH!* In a deafening roar of magical armor-piercing bullets, the girl carved a glowing line into the wall around the portal. When she stopped, the ringing in the Deathbusters' ears didn't.

"Dude," Professor Kalypsoe coughed, then stumbled over and kicked the door, causing it and the chunks of wall around it to fall outward and land with a sharp jarring noise.

Doctor Dementoe ran forward, going on point.

Once inside the doorway, the Deathbusters rushed down the hallway, which opened up into a gigantic, cavernous room, filled with hot ovens, conveyor belts and a network of catwalks leading between them.

"Like, WHOA," Kalypsoe muttered, cringing at the sight of the room. "What do they make here?"

"Pizza," Chidisyte replied simply.

"Zhee FEENDS," Dementoe spat, his mouth hanging open at the giant industrial kitchen.

Kalypsoe whipped out his knives, looking around left and right in a paranoid fashion as they advanced onward.

When they passed by a vat of molten cheese, a snarling, mutated mouse-like monster dressed in a short skirted white and blue sailor suit leapt out from behind the container. It snarled at them, baring its teeth and slashing its claws.

Doctor Dementoe shouted a battle cry and shocked the beastie in the head with his electric rod.

Kalypsoe joined in, spinning around and hacking into the monster's midsection with his knives. The beast shrieked in pain.

Chidisyte gave the coup de grace by firing her weapon for one second into the thing's chest.

"OOOOOOH!" the sailor-suited monster cried as it vanished in a red flash of special effects.

"Dat's got it. C'mon!" the Subcomandante ordered, taking up the lead.

Their route took them up a flight of metal stairs and on to one of the conveyor belts.

Kalypsoe was looking even more paranoid than usual. "Like, do we HAVE to go on this thing?" He pointed toward the gigantic oven they were heading towards.

"Yeeeaaaaaaah," Chidisyte replied. "On da count a' three, jump. One, two," she got up on the railing, "three!"

Following orders, the Deathbusters leapt off the side of the conveyor belt, just in time to avoid being cooked in a giant, flaming pizza oven. They crashed through a ventilation shaft, ripped through the grating and landed on a sturdy conference table.

Around the table were seated several dog-like monstrosities, some in elegant white dresses, others in purple tuxedoes.

The creatures growled and attacked, claws whistling through the air at them.

*BZZRRRRRRRRRT!* Doctor Dementoe kicked at them and blasted them away with his cattle prod.

*SHAH-SHING!* Professor Kalypsoe knocked the beasts back by hacking at them with his blades.

*BRRRDAH-BRRRDAH-BRRDAH!!!* Chidisyte swung around and fired, filling all the animal-things full of depleted uranium. They vanished in a red haze, like the first creature did. The lights started flashing and a loud alarm sounded.

Dementoe picked up the Jade Monkey off of the table. "ACH! I haff eet!"

"Radical, dude," Kalypsoe commented and turned toward their leader, "now how 'bout let's get outta here, huh?"

"Zhey are zhtill comingck!" the hunchback warned, pointing at the doorway, which had a batch of three-foot-tall white bunny rabbits in pink and white-highlighted sailor suits hopping through it.

The phone started ringing.

"This is gonna mess up my hair, I just know it," Kalypsoe moaned, touching his long black tresses.

"Don't be such a baby, 'Lypsie!" the head Deathbuster of the group barked at her inferior. She took a grenade off her bandolier, bit the pin out, and tossed it into the midst of the bunnies.

*BLAAAAAAM!!!!* The rabbits all vanished in the wake of the fragmentation explosion. "EEEEEEEK!"

"Move out!" Chidisyte commanded, sprinting out the door with her lackeys close behind.


"Sure thing, babe!"

The Deathbuster trio rounded a corner, vaped a few more baddies, and after a couple of minutes they finally saw the light of day.

They blasted their way through the gift shop, fragging energizer bunnies left and right. The glass doors shattered from the impact of Chidisyte's bullets and their exit into the parking lot was made sure.

The only vehicle in the entire parking lot was a big Mack Truck with the door open and the engine running.

Chidisyte patted her hip for a second. She frowned and looked at Dementoe. "Doc!" she cried. "I don't got my license. You drive!"

The hunchback nodded and boarded the truck, followed soon after by his companions. He revved the engine and put it into overdrive.

The truck smashed through the chain-link fence and screamed down the highway.

"Awright!" Chidisyte exclaimed in triumph. She lifted her right hand. "Hoigh foive, everyone!"

The other two cheered, slapping their hands together above their heads.


"Whatta way ta kick some sailor-beastie tail, eh?!" Kalypsoe half-shouted, reclining backward with his arms folded.

A few minutes later, they made it back into Tokyo city limits.

Doctor Dementoe parked the truck in the middle of the street in front of their secret hideout before disembarking.

"Like, think there's gonna be any trouble parking there?" Kalypsoe asked.

"NINE!" Dementoe snapped.

"Time ta celebrate," the pink-haired teenager ordered, leading her men into the building.

They jogged down the steps to a metal door that had a lopsided sign suspended from a nail in the center of it, which read:


Kalypsoe unlocked the door, allowing them all to go inside. He ran in and reclined on the couch. "Yeh. All in a day's work!"

"Y'all got dat raight," Chidisyte said, nodding in agreement. She went over to her locker and turned the dial to open the combination. "Six, thurtein, fortie-too." She popped open the door, took out her labcoat and placed her gatling gun inside before slamming the storage unit shut.

Doctor Dementoe sat down, hunched over a computer terminal. "I must wrrrrrrrrrite zhee rrrrrrrreport!"

The phone started ringing.

Kalypsoe winced. "Somebody wanna get that?"

The phone kept on ringing, louder and louder with each chime.

The other two Deathbusters just kept on snoring away.

"Look, that's gotta be Tomoe or that other guy."

The phone continued its relentless jingling noises.

Professor Kalypsoe tried to cover his ears with a pair of smaller couch cushions. "GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"

Jason Hanks growled, awaking to the high-pitched noise of an alarm clock.

He didn't know how long the alarm had been going off, but judging from the light that he could see through the window, it was probably a really long time.

Jason let out a long, groaning sigh. There was no escaping it: it was time to get up and go to work.

Actually, come to think of it, he was probably late. Really late. "Yeah mwerrfff, darn it," he muttered groggily, tossing aside the bedspread and smashing his hand onto the alarm clock until it stopped. He rolled off onto the floor. "Stupid dreams…"

*Whump* The fall was slightly more than he expected, but it wasn't enough to jar him into full consciousness. He pushed himself up onto his hands and knees and flailed around for the light switch.

After a moment of finding none, he stood up, tugged at the collar of his pajamas (Since when did he wear pajamas, anyway?) and stumbled toward the exit.

*Whump* The exit was not where he expected it to be. Still on autopilot, he slammed face-first into the wall.

*Whump* His mind didn't register the first or second impact, nor the third.


"Nani o suru?" a sleepy feminine voice replied from the bed.

Somehow, it didn't click in Jason's cerebral cortex where the voice had come from, or that it was in a foreign language. "Hey, I'm gettin' up, Mom. Don't mrphlllfrak…" He turned, half-blindly finding the door, opening it and walking out. "Getta work, donbee a deadbrrrrphhh…"

*Kr-thump-thump-thumpthumpthumpthump* After taking a couple steps, Jason found himself clinging to a wooden railing while rolling down a stairway. "Grr, rrrphjin' fraffnmlll," he drawled before finally reaching the bottom. *Thud!*

Scanning around, he caught sight of his goal: The refrigerator. Off balance, he staggered over and opened it.

Jason scrounged around inside the gigantic appliance like a ravenous dog digging through a garbage can. Finally, he grasped the object of his desire. It was a giant soda can that he could barely get his hands around. He held it up to the light to see which brand it was.

He must have stayed up really late last night. He couldn't even read the Coca Cola can's label. Eh, well, it was big and it had caffeine in it. That was what mattered.

*Ksssh* Slamming the refrigerator closed, Jason opened the can, tilted his head back and downed the precious, rejuvenative liquid in a ten-second swig.

*Slurp-slurp-slurp* "Aaaaaaaah."

*Thwank!* He tossed the can to where he intuitively knew where the garbage can lay, but it wasn't there, so it clanged off into some random corner.

The drink wasn't quite enough to jumpstart his system, but it was better than nothing. He scaled back up the stairs and entered the bathroom.

Jason didn't flinch when he discovered he could barely see the mirror over the exceptionally tall sink counter. He hopped up to grab the shaving cream, squirted a bit onto one hand and began to spread it along his cheek.

He grabbed the closest razor he could find, tapped it out over the sink, and ran it down the side of his surprisingly smooth face.

Then, a fourteen-year-old with exceptionally long blonde hair walked in. She fell flat on her face and stood back up again. "Ara," she breathed, covering her mouth. "Nani o suru, Chibiusa-chan?!"

Jason looked at her and blinked a couple of times. He looked his reflection in the mirror, then back at the blonde, and went back and forth for a few seconds.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, let's seeeeeeeeeee… He was a little under four feet tall, had pink hair that looked like puffy cotton candy, and was in the same house of a fourteen-year old blonde girl with very long twin ponytails. Plus, he wasn't a he at the moment.

Hypothetical scenarios ran through Jason's mind. Either one: he had been to a REAAAAAAAAAAAAALY kickin' party last night that was SO good he forgot about it, or two: he was in the wrong body and in the wrong universe.

Suddenly, with his eyes bugging out, he recalled everything that had happened the night before. Slowly and calmly, he took a very deep breath. Throwing down the razor and stamping Chibiusa's feet, he spoke a series of words that expressed his feelings in all their beauty, majesty and grandeur.


"W-wha…?" a young girl's voice from inside his head stuttered, waking up.

Usagi flinched from Jason's outburst. "Chibiusa, for the third time, what are you doing?!"

"Oh, uhhhhhh, nothing Usagi," Jason laughed nervously, not quite knowing how to respond.

"Are you trying to shave, or what?!" the blonde pressed.

"Uhhhh, no! You didn't see that at all!" Jason desperately tried a mind trick he once saw in a movie, hoping it would work.

"What have you been on since you went back to the future?!"

"Nothing, Usagi!" Jason insisted, nonchalantly grabbing for a towel and quickly wiping the cream off Chibiusa's face. "You must be dreaming. It's really early. You should go back to bed. Right now."

The blonde paused, blinked a few times, then yawned. "Maybe you're right. I must be dreaming." She turned around and headed back to bed.

Luna-P floated by, making a cheerful whirring noise.

Jason took a moment to think. Okay, so THAT part hadn't been a dream. He really was trapped in Chibiusa's body WITH Chibiusa and that other guy. It hadn't been a dream.

He really was going to kill Ben.

But that could wait. For now, he was in a very uncomfortable position inside the single most annoying character in all anime. Well, maybe not THE most annoying character in all anime.

Actually, come to think of it, that meant that nothing that he did from here on out really mattered.

"Hey, that means I can really cut loose and have some fun with this," Jason considered internally. "No thirty-hour work days, no restrictions. Chibiusa! Do you realize what this means?!"

"Uhhh? Who are you again?" the girl replied from the depths of her own mind.

"It means that I can actually sleep in!" Jason shouted aloud. "Maybe this won't be so bad…"

On that note, Jason walked back out into the hall, re-entered the room in which he had been sleeping, and almost as if on cue, he lapsed into unconsciousness. Chibiusa's limp form fell to the floor in a perfect ninety-degree arc.


"Heeey," Chibiusa complained, once more in control of her body.

"Oww," Ben muttered mentally, waking up. He slowly took note of his surroundings. "Hey, there, Chibiusa! Or do I call you Small Lady? Or the Great ChibiSpore? The Chib-stress, talkin' with the Ben-man. Alright!"

Chibiusa stood up, holding her head. "Who are you?" she asked aloud.

Usagi twisted and turned in her sleep, muttering something about "Mamo-chan" this and "get away, Chibiusa" that.

"I'm one of your two live-in brain-guests for this season," Ben carried on. "Remember last night?"

"N-n-no," the cute little pink-haired girl stammered. "How did you get in there?"

"Well, you see," Ben began to explain, "we were trying to get into the minds of a couple of more powerful, more interesting, more well-liked, and less girlish people. I was put in charge of the transit calculations, and I failed to carry the last 'two.' Either that, or I missed the left at Albuquerque. Take your pick.

"So, we get here, somehow jammed into the same person— that wasn't supposed to happen anyway, you see. Two minds for one body are plenty, and three's a crowd, so we couldn't take over quite as easily if we had to always jockey for position.

"Speaking of jockeys, I'm sort of riding inside your mental ether— a very intoxicating ether, I might add— and a friend of mine, his name's Jason, is also here, but he's conked out. Last night, we got in, and were surprised to see that we had not gotten into the more powerful, more interesting, more well-liked, and less girlish people. Anyway, after that, we got into a fight with a daimon, and I won. You're welcome."

"Wha…?" Chibiusa didn't catch any of that.

If Ben could have sighed, he would have. "We're your imaginary friends, Chibiusa. We've come to have fun with you."

Jason stirred from his slumber. "Mrrrphrfreackin. Keep it DOWN."

"Ooooh," the girl said, her lips forming an O as she nodded along in sudden comprehension. "What do you two look like?"

Ben paused. "Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm." There were a number of ways he could approach the response. He could tell the truth, or he could lie. It was a fanciful setting, so it really did not matter all that much, did it? Did it? Would his moral standards be compromised were he to fib about all this? Should he just do as planned and have fun with this? Huh? HUH?!!?!?

The mental passenger froze up as he internally debated the socio-political and economic impacts of his actions, whether it would matter in the long run, and if this, and if that. It was all rather confusing.

Chibiusa's head started to hurt again.

A mental shrug later, Ben decided that if moral implications were ever going to slow him down, he would have stopped the whole experiment a very long time ago. Besides, he didn't HAVE to lie. He just didn't have to tell the truth, either. "It doesn't matter what we look like. The point is that we're here, and," he continued in a deep, suave voice, "we're here ta help ya, girl."

"You're here to help me?" Chibiusa asked aloud.

"Yeah," Ben replied.

"What are you going to do?"

"For starters," Ben continued, "we're going to calm your mind and help you not kill Usagi."

"Kill Usagi? Why?" Chibiusa asked in a puzzled voice.

Usagi stiffened and opened one eye to stare at her future daughter.

Ben sighed. "Well, I don't know. It was just the first thing that came to my mind. We'll just help you take control of the situation."

Chibiusa blinked. "Take control?"

The blonde girl in the bed sat up, a huge, worried frown forming on her face.

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeell," Ben continued, "you know. Make things turn out all right while we're here. Just go on with your life like normal and I'll tell you when you need to do something. Can you do that for me, please?"

"Yes, I'll do that, thanks," Chibiusa replied with a nod. She turned toward Usagi. "Good morning!" The girl smiled and took a step toward the bed, rubbing her hands together to generate warmth. It was a very cold morning.

Usagi's eyes went wide and she started to back away from the approaching preadolescent. "Who were you talking to?!" she demanded.

"My imaginary friend," Chibiusa replied in monotone and continued to walk forward. "He told me all kinds of neat things he's going to help me do."

"Like what?!"

"Like take control and everything," Chibiusa smiled. "Doesn't that sound nice?"

Usagi thrust her pillow forward. "STAY AWAY FROM ME!"

Chibiusa stopped. She tilted her head, looking questioningly at the blonde. "Why?"

The blonde threw her head back and screamed. "AAAAAAAAAH!!!"

A few minutes after that, Usagi had calmed down and the two-plus-one had gotten down to business. Apparently, there was some sort of meeting arranged with the other members of the Sailor Team at Rei's shrine.

"You overreact too much," Chibiusa noted to Usagi as the older girl tied the younger's shoes.

"I do not!" Usagi replied.

"You certainly have a lot of dresses in your wardrobe, Chiby," Ben understated the blindingly obvious.

"Chibiusa," the young girl replied aloud. "And you don't have to talk about every last thing I do."

"Where'd be the fun in that?" Ben asked. "Gotta comment about things. Wouldn't be proper otherwise, y'know."

Jason yawned. "Shut uuuuuuuuuuuup!" he yelled sleepily from the back of Chibiusa's mind.

"Rise and shine, buddy-boy!" Ben cheerfully called. "Time to get a move-on!"

"Shuuuut uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup!!!"

"I don't talk about everything you do," Usagi protested.

Chibiusa sighed impatiently, looking at the blonde. "I wasn't talking to you!"

"Who were you talking to, then?!"

"The voices in my head."

"Voices… in your head?" Usagi coughed and frowned. A moment later, she brightened and decided to change the topic. "So, how's the future doing?"

"Lots of death, carnage and giant badgers," Ben said.

"Lots of death, carnage and giant badgers," Chibiusa repeated reflexively. She paused to rub her head. "Hey! That's not it."

"Well, it could be if you really wanted it to be, you see."

Usagi's frown deepened. "Did the Black Moon attack again?"

Chibiusa quickly shook her head. "Nooooo. That's not it."

"Then what's going on? Why are you back here?"

"Oh! Right," Ben said. "Act natural."

"Natural, my @#%@," Jason grumbled, still trying to get to sleep.

Chibiusa put a fist to her mouth and cleared her throat. "I'll tell you when everyone's together."

Usagi shrugged helplessly. "Okay…"

"I," the cute little pink-haired girl declared in a practiced manner, crossing her adorable little hands in front of her, "am Chibiusa, also known as Small Lady. I've decided to return to the twentieth century to practice and train. I am pleased to see you again."

Chibiusa and Luna-P bowed politely.

In front of the shrine, Makoto, Rei, Ami, Luna, Artemis, and Minako stared at the child, not quite knowing what to make of her.

Usagi had her nose pointed upwards and her arms folded. "Decided to return, huh? Who decided?"

"Oh!" Chibiusa said, digging down into her left pocket. "I have a letter from my Mom."

"A letter?" Usagi asked. She held out her hand. "Let me see!"

"I wanna hear Minako read it!" Ben called out from the spacious recesses of the girl's mind.

Chibiusa stepped toward Minako with a smile on her face, holding out the letter. "Please read it, Minako-chan!"

Minako blinked. "Oh, okay." She took the letter, much to Usagi's chagrin. She tore open the envelope and unfolded the message.

"Maybe Rei," Ben considered. "Rei would've been fun to hear."

"Let's see," Minako whispered, finding the beginning of the letter, "I'll begin." She raised her voice. "I'm sure that you'll kindly look after Small Lady so she may practice and train."

Usagi let off a slow burn at the presumptuous nature of Chibiusa and the letter.

"I really appreciate it and wish both you and her great success," Minako continued. She examined the Japanese characters for further information. Finding none, she looked up at the others. "That's it."

"What? That's it?" Rei looked skeptical.

"Neo-Queen Serenity is a lot like Usagi in some ways, isn't she?" Luna commented, a pained expression on her face and a small sweatdrop going down her cheek.

Artemis nodded in agreement. "Umm-hmm."

Usagi glared at the two cats. "What do you mean by that?!"

"You can say that again," Minako added. She held out the letter for all to see. "This letter doesn't have any kanji!"

Everyone practically choked and almost fell down in shock at this new information.

"Well, at least it doesn't have lil' birdies and kittens doodled in the margins," Ben offered. Through Chibiusa's eyes, he looked over and saw that it, in fact, did. "Oh…"

Ami, Rei, and Makoto dove in close to examine the letter. Luna and Artemis hopped on top of everyone's shoulders, trying to get in close enough to see.

Ami gasped. "My goodness, you're right!"

"Right here it looks like she wrote in the wrong kanji and erased it!" Rei commented.

"You see?" Makoto pointed out a misspelled word.

"She should have used a dictionary," Artemis sighed.

"I think she was just lazy," Rei suggested.

"She IS Usagi, after all," Luna added.

"Weeeeell," Usagi interjected nervously, "apart from that, can we talk about Chibiusa right now? Okay?!"

"Speaking of practicing and training," Minako said, putting a finger to her chin, "what's she supposed to do?"

Makoto nodded. "Right, if she needs to learn to be a princess, she doesn't have to come to this century."

"I sure hope that she doesn't pick up any of Usagi's stupidity," Rei muttered.

Usagi frowned at this.

"That's right," Luna agreed, "I'm worried about that, too."

Chibiusa smiled, nodding. "In the future, Mars worries about the same thing, and told me plenty of stupid Usagi stories!"

That was the straw that broke the camel's back.

"REI!" Usagi shouted, diving at her friend and grabbing her by the collar, shaking violently. "WHAT DID YOU TELL CHIBIUSA?!?!!?"

Rei fought back with a broom. A bitter scuffle began. "I don't know!" the priestess retorted. "It was Mars in the future who did it!"

Usagi and Rei struggled around for a while. Usagi tried to strangle the other while Rei swung her broom around haphazardly.

"It's the same thing!" Usagi shouted back. "You said something BAD about me, didn't you!?"

Of the two, it was difficult to tell who was winning.

Chibiusa turned toward the others. "Don't worry! I'm not going to do any stupid things like Usagi."

"I'll do 'em for ya!" Ben announced.

"Why are you guys doing this to me?!!" Jason nearly screamed. "I'm trying to live my dream here!!!"

"What?" Ben asked. "To sleep in?"


"You don't get much sleep normally?"

"NO! NOW SHUT THE @$#%#*$%(^)# UP!!!"

Chibiusa winced, rubbing her forehead. "Ow, that hurt…"

"Such language," Ben commented. "Oooh."

"Are you all right, Chibiusa-chan?" Makoto asked.

"I'm fine," the pink-haired girl replied.

"We'll help you with anything, so don't hesitate to ask, okay?" Minako offered.

"Thank her," Ben coached Chibiusa. "Gotta be polite, y'know."

"Yeah, I know," Chibiusa whispered and looked back up at the other girls. "Thank you!"

"All right," Ben said, "let's blow this joint."

Chibiusa looked around for a second, then waved goodbye and started to skip away. "Okay! I'm going off to train now!"

Minako, Ami, and Makoto watched the tiny girl exit through the main gate, then glanced over to the battle going on between Rei and Usagi. Neither party seemed to be winning over the other.

Minako started to place the letter from the future back into its envelope, but encountered another scrap of paper. "Oh, there's still something in it." She withdrew the next message and read it aloud. "Post Script to Usagi of the twentieth century: I really should have studied when I was young. Please study hard!"

Everyone frowned and sweated at this.

"That's it," Minako added, having finished the message.

"She's Usagi, all right," the three non-fighting teenagers whispered in unison.

"I hate studying!!!" Usagi protested.

Chibiusa trotted cheerfully along the streets of Tokyo, balancing the Luna-P on her head. "As I expected, it's nice, relaxing and comfortable in the twentieth century!" she exclaimed, expressing her large levels of relieved stress.

"Heh heh heh," Ben chuckled. "I always did like that part."

"You would," Jason grumbled.

"Ah, I see you've finally decided to rejoin us in the land of the living, have you?"

"You two wouldn't let me sleep!"

"The sleeper must awaken."

"Hey, guys," Chibiusa whispered, "could you keep it down already?! I'm trying to relax!"

"Yeah, BEN, keep it down!" Jason agreed. "We're trying to relax here!"

"What?" Ben asked. "I just got here yesterday. Do you expect me to just sit back and relax when there's a whole world out here to conquer? We know just about everything that's going to happen in this series. We could do practically anything we want."

"Well, Ben," Jason shot back, "you go conquer the world. I, on the other hand, have more important things to do."

"Like what? Sleeping?"

"Ding-ding-ding! We have a winner! Chibiusa, tell 'em what he's won!"

"Ummm," Chibiusa whispered, her distraction sufficient to keep her from noticing some weird kid drop a UFO-catcher Shin doll, "what are you two talking about?"

"Nothing at all," Jason replied. "Except this, and I'm only gonna say this once, twice, or a million times if I have to: BE. QUIET. I'm trying to get the first bit of decent shuteye I've had in the past eight and a half years!"

"Hellooooooh!" the weird toy-dropping kid called after the girl, but she and the other two people inside her head ignored him. After a few seconds of no results, he wandered back to his mother.

"Uh oh, Jason," Ben whispered, "I didn't want to have to do this, but now I have to. Ahem… LOOK OVER THERE! IT'S SETSUNA!!!"


"Setsuna?!!" Jason exclaimed in Chibiusa's voice, suddenly in control of the girl's body. "WHERE?!" He glanced around, frantic hope in Chibiusa's eyes. "Where is she!?"

"AaaaaaH!" Chibiusa squealed, a prisoner in her own mind. "I'm all numb!!!"

"Over there!" Ben cried. "Behind the bushes. Just jump right through those bushes to your right and you'll land straight into her arms. C'mon, juuuuump! Juuuump!"

Chibiusa's heart raced as Jason sprinted up to the leafy blockade. He made a great, big flying leap through them…

…and landed right into Chiba Mamoru's outstretched arms.

Jason frowned and blinked a couple of times.

Mamoru blinked back.

Jason threw back Chibiusa's head and let out a long, primal yell. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"


"MAMO-CHAN!" Chibiusa greeted her future father in an overly enthusiastic voice. "Mamo-chan! Mamo-chan! Mamo-chan!"

Jason, although no longer in control of any physical activity, resisted the urge to vomit. "Gaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaah!"

Chibiusa threw her arms around Mamoru's neck and hugged him tightly. "Awww, Mamo-chan! I'm so happy to see you!"

If Jason had been in control, he would have been glowing a nice, bright fluorescent shade of green. "BleeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaEAAAAAAGHHHaaaaaaaaaaah!"

"You don't like Mamo-chan, do you?" Chibiusa whispered. "I can tell. Well, I just looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove Mamo-chan!" She hugged the man even tighter to emphasize the point. "Love, love, love, love, loooove!"

Nearby, an intense, angry flame burned around a certain blonde fifteen-year old.

"Chibiusa," Usagi growled, "I'M dating Mamoru!"

Chibiusa looked over to Usagi. She grinned and clambered higher up. "Mamoru's mine!"

"YYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU," Jason growled at Ben in a voice with ten times the amount of venom found in Spawn's.

"Wow, you fell for it," Ben replied.

"Of all the %^&#$^&^#$&%@%&#@% low-down, @#%!@#^%@# things…"

"Gotcha real good, didn't I?"

Slow burn. "…"

"Aren't mad at me, are you?"

Raging fire. "…"

Usagi dove forward, trying to tear the pink-haired girl off of her boyfriend's neck. Mamoru was too busy being strangled to say anything.

*BZZZRT!* Jason took control once more.

"Hey!" Chibiusa complained. "You can't do that!"

Jason released Chibiusa's grip, dropped off the man, and took a few steps backward. He forced a strained smile and waved, then ran off through the bushes again.

"Wha…" Mamoru coughed, blue in the face, trying to get some oxygen into his system. "What's she doing here? And," he coughed again, "what's gotten into her?!"

"I don't know," Usagi denied having any clue about what was going on with her future daughter, "she's Chibiusa! She's always been annoying!"

"Uhhhh, hey," Ben began uneasily, "where are you going, Jason?"

"Heh," Jason laughed in Chibiusa's voice. "I'm gonna go drown your @%#^@# smartmouth in the canal. How about that?!"

"AAAAAAAH!!!" Chibiusa cried. "He's gonna drown meeeeeeeeeee!"

"Eh, quit'cher whining and die like a man!" Jason paused to look down at the body he was currently inhabiting. "Wait, that wouldn't work…"

"Die like a spore?" Ben suggested.


"WAAAAAH!" Chibiusa whined.

Suddenly, Jason slowed to a halt at a T-junction in the street. "Where's that freakin' canal?!" He looked around, saw some guy in a business suit with a hat and asked, "Hey! Where's the canal?!"

The businessman looked down at him, smiled, and replied. "Oh, what an adorable little girl!" He reached down to tickle Chibiusa's chin. "Coochie-coochie-coo!"

Jason snagged the businessman's tie and dragged him down to eye-level. "The canal, you #$^@^#, tie-wearing jerk! Where the @#$@!! is it?!"

"ACK-ACK!" The man's hat fell off as he choked for a few seconds and pointed to his right.

"Thanks!" Jason shouted, released the man's tie, and headed off in the direction the man had indicated.

"Uh-hhhhhh-hhh," the grey-suited business man stuttered as he struggled to regain his composure, "they get more and more violent as the years go on. Really, what are they letting children watch these days?"

"Jason," Ben began, "you aren't really going to jump into some random body of water, are you?"

"Wait and see, oh glorious SI navigator," Jason said, scanning the various pedestrians with Chibiusa's reddish eyes as they neared the canal. He pushed his way past a small crowd and finally spotted the landmark. "That's it!"

"Don't drown me!" Chibiusa pleaded. "Pleeeeeeeeeeeease?"

"Did you forget how to take control, or what?" Ben asked the head's true owner.

"Ummmmm, yeah!"

*Vrrrr!* The Luna-P flew over to hover in front of Jason's view. It tilted slightly, as if to express confusion over the actions of its owner.

"Outta my way!" Jason growled.

*Vrrr!* Luna-P quickly scooted aside.

"Okay, you two," Jason said silently, "look where I'm looking. What do you see?"

"The canal?" ventured Ben.

"Noooo, not the CANAL, 'genius!' Who do you see walking BY it?"

Ben examined the view. It was a bushy, forest-like setting; a very green park. There was a vaguely recognizable girl with moderately short black hair wearing a red jacket and a green cross-striped skirt. She trodded along the sidewalk near the artificial river. "Ah! One of your favorite Sailors…"

"Who?" Chibiusa asked. "Sailor Moon?"

"That's no Moon," Jason intoned as he watched the frail girl pad along toward a nearby group of upper-class houses. "It's a gothic superweapon!"

"Ah, Hotaru Tomoe, AKA Sailor Saturn," Ben added. "So, does that mean that you're not going to try to commit tri-level suicide again?"

"Just keep asking stupid questions, Ben. Just keep on askin' 'em, and we'll see."

"Why? Are you bored? Ready to leave the hard way?"

"Is there an easier way?"

"Actually, I don't quite know. The system's supposed to have all sorts of nifty OtakuFic features in it, but the tutorial looked like it was going to be really long…"

"So you didn't bother to look up the commands, huh?"

"Well, no, I didn't. Say, why didn't you read them?"

"Oh, come on! You know I never have time for that sort of thing! I thought you were going to do it."

"Ummm, can I have my body back?" Chibiusa asked. "This feels kinda icky, y'know."

"Nope," Jason replied, skulking along the edges of the bushes to avoid being spotted by Hotaru.

Chibiusa sighed in frustration. "Hmph, some imaginary friends you are."

"Imaginary friends?!" Jason grimaced. "Ben, what the #$^# have you been telling her?!"

"Well," Ben said, "I said that we're her imaginary friends and that we're here to help her."

"You mean you're not my imaginary friends?" Chibiusa asked, surprised. "Then what are you?" The girl would have gasped if she could have. "You're not really two daimons come to take over my body, are you?!"

"Uh-hmmm," Ben stuttered for a reply. "We're—"

Jason ground Chibiusa's teeth together forcefully for a moment. "Shut up, Ben! Let me handle this one." Continuing on Hotaru's trail he whispered, "We're really a pair of intergalactic superheroes come to save Earth from the Daimons. We don't have a physical form, so we're borrowing yours for right now. Call me Jason, the other guy's Ben, and unless you want to see the WHOLE DANG planet taken over, you'll be quiet and do exactly as I say, got it?"

"Oh," Chibiusa replied quietly. "Then go right ahead."

"You've done this before, haven't you?" Ben asked.

"SHHH!" Jason shot back, while trying to suppress a laugh.

Hotaru was obviously getting tired from the walk. She sat down on a bench beside the canal to take a few deep breaths and set down her bookbag for a couple of minutes.

"Jason, in the original series, Chibiusa didn't make contact with Hotaru until a lot later," Ben noted. "Think our favorite time guardian will let it happen?"

"I don't see why not," Jason whispered back, "Don't get me wrong, I like her and all, but destiny is waaaay overrated. Besides, maybe if we get this over with a lot quicker, we can get back to where we were and where YOU were supposed to take us."

"You mean you weren't supposed to come to Earth?" Chibiusa asked.

"Yes and no," Jason replied, inching toward Hotaru, deftly slipping into the shadows behind her. "Okay, now be very, very quiet for the next few minutes."

"Why?" Chibiusa asked.

"Sorry, that's classified," Jason whispered back. "A matter of, heh, interstellar security."

At this point, Ben finally decided to keep quiet, as did Chibiusa.

Jason held Chibiusa's breath and silently rolled on the ground to where Hotaru's bag had been placed. Undoing the straps and using both fingers to soundlessly open the button, he probed around for an appropriate object.

After a moment, he withdrew a small, blue book, which he held up. He opened the front cover and, with a satisfied nod, he slipped the book under Chibiusa's blouse and closed the portfolio. Carefully, he redid the strap.

*Tink* The metallic tip of the strap tapped against a decoration on the bag.

Barely hearing the noise, Hotaru looked behind her.

Jason instantly rolled under the bench, carefully keeping an eye on the girl's movements.

Finding nothing, Hotaru shrugged, stood and once again hefted her bag. She continued her long, difficult trek home.

With an accomplished smirk, Jason took the book out from under Chibiusa's blouse, flipped through it again and put it away. He rolled out from under the bench, stood back up, brushed the dust off the nine-year-old's outfit and walked nonchalantly away.

"Wow, that was good. I bet you do that all the time, don't you?" Ben finally said after the trio got a fair distance away, Jason at the helm. "Were you a professional cat burglar or something to that effect?"

"Not as such," Jason replied.

"Law school, then?"

"Sort of. I usually got home late from work. Getting back into my own house without waking up everyone else took a lot of practice."

"I noticed another thing: You're not yelling at me right now. Decide to forgive me?"

"Yeah, much as I'd like to, I can't hold a grudge for more than a couple of hours."

"It's only been a few minutes."

"Hey, I might still be mad at you and be hiding it. Don't provoke me for a while and you still might live to tell the tale."

"Good point."

"Hey, why did you just take that girl's book?" Chibiusa asked.

"Yeah, what's the deal, Jason?" Ben asked. "Why not just go up and say 'hi?' It's what I'd do."

"That'd be fun," Jason admitted, "but we have to finesse it a bit more."

"In what way?"

"If I tell you, will you go along with it?"

"Sure, why not?"

"Okay, since you don't seem to have a clue about how to get us out of this, I've had to think about it."

"True, I usually make you think for me…"

"So, I'm betting that the whole SI thing'll end when the S series finishes off, and that's when Pharaoh Ninety gets taken care of and the pink one here tries to go back to the future."

"Wow! You two know the future?" Chibiusa asked in awe. "Can you tell me who my future boyfriend's gonna be?"

"Some wacko called Helios," Jason replied without missing a beat, and directed his thoughts back to his SI partner, "so THAT's why we're doing this, and Saturn's gonna help." He took out the book and stared at the name and address listed just inside the cover to make sure the other two cranial occupants got a good look. "This is what I mean by finesse."

"Finding out where she lives and using a quick ploy to gain her confidence?"


"We don't have to do all that, really," Ben noted. "We could just be quiet and watch the whole thing go on like normal."

"#$^#$^^@$#, BEN, I don't want to spend a whole season inside this girl, do YOU?!"

"Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, I guess not…"

"You don't sound so convinced."

"It's just that I'm wondering: what if we have to go through the whole series until the end of Stars?"

Chibiusa's larynx suddenly seized up and her eyes bulged out. "Agggk," Jason choked. "Then I'll find a landmine and step on it!"

"Don't like standing up and shouting Pink Sugar Heart Attack?"


"Or Twinkle Yell?"

"No. Friggin'. Way."

"How about kneeling down and asking the nice Pegasus to come and protect our beautiful dreams?"


"Oh, come on, Jason! This is our first SI. Don't you want to have some fun with this?"

"I tried. It didn't work, so let's get out of here ASAP. Got it? Good. Now let's go over to Hotaru's house."

"To get our heart ripped out by the bad-hair-lady?"

"At this point, I wouldn't complain."

"Okay, then. Let's try it."

"Knew you'd see it my way, eventually."

Jason continued to edge forward, following the rather cute future harbinger of death and destruction.

"Uhhhhhh," Chibiusa whispered, "when can I have my body back?"

People casually passing by on the sidewalk near the large mansion barely took notice as a pink-haired girl in a sailor-style skirt and blouse hopped up and down in an effort to reach the door bell.

"I hate being three feet tall," muttered Jason. He thumped the door a few times, but no sound came back. Apparently, the wood was too thick to make any good resonance. "Dang…"

"It's more like four," Ben corrected.

Using Chibiusa's short legs, Jason crouched down and sprang upward, slapping the girl's hand at the small button. He fell just barely short of his goal. "Grrr, what now?" he whispered. "Is there a rock, or a chunk of wood…?" He glanced around for something appropriate to boost his vertical range.

*Vrrr* Luna-P hovered in closer, a question in its motionless expression.

"Hmmm, yeah, that'll do."

*SQUEAK!* Jason snatched the levitating ball with both hands and jammed it under Chibiusa's feet. It squirmed and compressed under the girl's marginal weight.

"Won't that thing pop?" Ben asked.

"No, Luna-P's tough. It can handle that," Chibiusa replied.

Jason reached up toward the button and found that it was still just barely out of reach. Balancing himself against the wall, he squatted, then leapt upward, finally scoring a hit on the annoying chime.


"Hah! Got it," Jason congratulated himself.

The door instantly swung open, revealing a redheaded woman in a red dress that had a very long vertical slice taken out of the front. Ben and Jason instantly recognized her as Kaolinite, the principal lackey of the first arc of the series.

"Hello, little girl," Kaolinite said in a marginally forced voice, "how may I help you?"

Jason cleared Chibiusa's throat and enthusiastically greeted, "Hiya! Is Hotaru home?"

"She is," Kaolinite replied.

"Can I talk to her for a minute?"

"I will ask her."

The woman in red attire shut the door, perhaps a little too forcefully.

"Ah, Kaolinite," Ben muttered, "tactful, as always." He directed his thoughts to Chibiusa. "You never met her, did you?"

"Um, no," the girl replied.

"She's kind of harsh, but I'll bet she's just one big softie at heart. Say, Jason, what's your big plan to woo Hotaru?"

Jason chuckled lightly. "You just kick back and watch."

After nearly half a minute, the door opened, revealing Hotaru, who was obviously dismayed about something. "Hello. You wanted to speak with me?"

Jason nodded Chibiusa's head up and down. "Uh-huh!"

"What can I do for you?"

"Well," Jason continued, rubbing Chibiusa's hands together. "I was walking through the park earlier today and I found this." He held up the small book he'd filched and opened the cover to show the name and address. "You're Tomoe Hotaru, right?"

Hotaru held out her hand and retrieved the book. Flipping through it, she said, "This is my book. Where did you find it?"

"It was by a bench over in that park," Jason replied, pointing in the direction from where he'd come.

"Hmmm," Hotaru continued thoughtfully, "I must've dropped it on my way home from school." She smiled. "Thank you for bringing it to me. What's your name?"

Ben directed his thoughts to Jason. "Here, you could pretty much say whatever you liked, but for credibility's sake, we should go with Chibiusa."

"I know, I know," Jason subvocalized. In Chibiusa's voice, he responded to Hotaru's question. "I'm," he said, momentarily choking on the name. "I'm Ch… Ch…" He took a deep breath. "I'm Chibbbb-ieeeee—" He broke off, recoiling inwardly. He just couldn't bring himself to say it. "My name's ChiyaaaAAAAUughhhkkk—"

Hotaru's smile started to drop.

*BZRRT!* Somehow, Chibiusa managed to take over. "I'm Chibiusa!" the head's true owner stated without flinching. "I'm new here in town."

"Oh, then it's very nice to meet you, Chibiusa-chan."

"She used the 'chan' suffix," Ben noted. "It's working!"

"Okay, good," Jason would have breathed if he could. "Now move over!"

*BZRRT!* Jason took over the body again.

"Hey!" Chibiusa complained. "I wanted to talk to her some more!"

*BZRRT!* The girl took control.

"I said MOVE OVER!" Jason yelled internally.


"I don't wanna!"



Hotaru watched as the little pink-haired girl jerked sharply to the left, then to the right and back around a few times. Suddenly, her eyes widened in comprehension. "Seizures…"

*KABLAM!* Jason and Chibiusa's efforts cancelled themselves out in a psychic explosion, which was tantamount to a baseball bat to the back of the skull. Suffice it to say, this left Ben in control for the moment.

"Owchieeeee," Chibiusa whined, tossed hard against the side of her brain.

"Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh, just @#%%!@ it, I'm gonna go take five," Jason whispered and slipped off the mental radar.

"Ow!" Ben took a deep breath and straightened Chibiusa's posture. He looked up at Hotaru, blinked a couple of times, then shrugged. "Oh, sorry about that. Medical condition."

Hotaru nodded quickly. "Oh yes, I understand completely, Chibiusa-chan. I also have seizures sometimes."

"You do?" Ben prodded the conversation along.

The girl nodded again. "Every once in a while, my chest starts hurting and I suddenly can't stand up. If it's very bad, it knocks me out and I wake up in bed a long time later." She paused. "Are you busy? Would you like to come in for a while?"

"I'm not busy and yes, I'd love to come in."

Once inside, Hotaru led her new friend up the stairs and down a long hallway to her room. Her room was darkened, partially lit by a number of smaller lamps, creating the effect of fireflies on a clear night in the Bayou swamplands.

"Niiiiiice lighting," Ben complimented the room's setup.

"Thank you," Hotaru replied with a slight smile.

*Vrrr!* Luna-P floated in behind them.

"You said that you were new here," Hotaru noted. "Where are you from?"

"Ummhhh," Chibiusa droned, still somewhat dazed, "when people ask that, I'm supposed to say Kyoto."

"What's in Kyoto?" Ben asked silently.

"Uhh, I dunno. I've never been there," Chibiusa replied.

Ben frowned with the girl's mouth and smiled again when he came up with a solution. "I'm from a lot of places. I've traveled a lot. Been to America, been to Mexico and places like that."

"Really?" Hotaru asked, then looked down. "Oh, it must be very nice to visit so many other places."

"You don't get out much?"

The teenage girl shook her head. "No, not really. I go to school, but I don't have any friends. Sometimes I can go to the park, but my health doesn't let me do much else."

"She's frail," Ben mentioned silently to Chibiusa. "She's also got these powers to heal and sometimes has these fits where another person comes out and starts hurting people. That's why she doesn't have any friends: everyone's scared of her."

"But… that's so sad!" Chibiusa whispered back and would have sniffed sadly if she could. "Can I talk to her?"

"Be my guest."

*BZZRT!* Chibiusa once again took control of her own body.

Ben laughed softly. "Heh, figured it out again, eh?"

"Hotaru-chan," Chibiusa said, "don't be sad. I know what it's like to not have any friends. Back home, I don't have any either." She smiled suddenly. "Hey, I've got an idea. I'll be your friend!"

Hotaru brightened at this. "Really? Do you mean it?"

Chibiusa nodded emphatically. "Uh-huh!"

"She shoots," Ben whispered, "she scores! Three-pointer!" He watched in amusement as the princess from the future talked with the future Soldier of Destruction. They shared interests, spoke about their dreams and, all in all, had a very nice time with each other.

After a few minutes of all this, Jason groaned, regaining consciousness. "Heeew-boy, this stings…"

"Hmm," Ben began, "I guess forcefully taking over doesn't work so well as negotiation."

"Yeah, shyaddup!"

"Good news, though: I let Chibiusa handle the conversation. She's doing a great job. Hotaru likes us already."

"Oh? Heh, good. Maybe this won't be as hard as I thought."

"Say," Chibiusa said to her new friend, "you wanna go out and do something today? The afternoon's just started. We can have tea or ice cream or something like that. My treat!"

"Oh," Hotaru whispered paused, thinking about that with a hand on her chin, as if nobody had ever invited her to do anything before. Finally, she nodded brightly. "Yes, I'd like that."

Jason froze, muddling over what just happened. "Whoa, she's good. The first time they've met and she's already asked her out!"

"Heh," Ben chuckled, "I bet you wish you had that kind of luck when it comes to dating."


Hand in hand, Hotaru walked beside Chibiusa. "And maybe one of these days we can go to the park and have a picnic."

All this talk about fun things to do made Hotaru happy. It had been so long since she had friends of any kind that she'd almost given up hope for the future in that aspect. She silently hoped that this would last.

"Well, Jason," Ben said, "I can't think of anything else to do right now other than sit back and let nature take its course. You have to admit, this is a pretty good setup. Almost too good to be true, y'know."

"Be quiet and don't jinx it!" Jason shot back urgently.

"I know some place we could go right now," Hotaru said. "It's close, probably only half a block or so down the street." She pointed to an intersection a short distance away. "My father once took me there for a formal tea ceremony. If we asked, I'm sure they'll let us watch or participate."

"Sure, let's go!" Chibiusa hastily agreed, willing to do just about anything with frail girl. "That could be fun! I've never been to a tea ceremony. What are they like?"

"Well, they're sort of involved, but I think everyone should see it at least once."

"I don't drink tea," Ben noted, "it's got all sorts of weird drugs and chemicals that mess up the nervous system."

*BZZRT!* That got Jason's attention. He took control and held tighter to Hotaru's hand. "Yeah, that'll be great! I can't wait to try the tea!" Silently, he added, "And maybe it'll be some of the stiffer stuff. I've been practically out of it and grumpy all day!"

"Hey!" Chibiusa complained. She tried to regain control, but Jason resisted. Still stunned from the last attempt to force her way into control, she decided to just sit back and sulk in the corner. "Baka…"

"Jason, while we're in Chibiusa's body," Ben said, "do you REALLY think it's necessary to go and down a whole bunch of really powerful wake-up drugs?"

"YES, YES, YES, oh YES!!!"

"I think right now it's more psychological than physical. You DON'T need to do that. Besides, I don't know how that'll affect ME!"

Jason rolled Chibiusa's eyes. "Oh, come on, you big baby! A few cups of tea never hurt anyone. The Japanese drink it all the time and it never hurts them!"

"Are you so sure about that? You've seen them, haven't you?"

*VROOOM!* A white minivan sped by Hotaru and Chibiusa. Jason caught a glimpse of the driver. It was a redheaded woman in a white labcoat, easily identifiable as Eudial, the first member of the Witches Five. They rounded the corner to see Eudial crash through the shrubbery and run into a stone fountain, smashing half of it and sending water spraying everywhere.

Chibiusa gasped within her mind. "That's that lady again! Quick, we gotta transform to fight her off!"

"What's gotten into that driver?" Hotaru asked rhetorically.

"Beats me," Jason replied nonchalantly.

Eudial backed up and swung around such that her driver's side window faced a young boy wearing a kimono.

"Oh, hello," the boy greeted the woman pleasantly as she whipped out a plunger/syringe-style gun filled with a bubbling light red fluid, aimed and pulled the trigger.

*BLAM!* The shot impacted the boy square on the chest and in a puff of magical dust, his pure heart crystal flew out his back. He slumped to the ground.

Eudial hopped out of her car and took off her labcoat, revealing her red and black outfit underneath.

"C'mon, Jason!" Chibiusa shouted. "Say Moon Prism Power, Make Up, and transform!"

Jason recoiled, grimacing. "No way!" he whispered.

Hotaru frowned and took a step back when she saw what had happened to the boy. "Yes, unbelievable, isn't it?"

"I think you have to," Ben noted. "This looks like the part when Sailor Chibimoon dives in to keep the kid's heart crystal from getting taken."

"No!" Jason whispered loudly.

"That's the son of one of my father's acquaintances," Hotaru whispered back. "Isn't there anything we can do to help him?"

"Jaaaaaaaaaayyyyyysaaaaaaaan!" Chibiusa squealed. "Gimme control so I can do it, then!"

"WORLD SHAKING!!!" A voice rang out.

*Whoosh!* A ringed orange blast sped onto the scene, straight for Eudial.

"What???" the redheaded witch cried as she stepped aside, barely managing to avoid the strike from Sailor Uranus.

"You again?!" Eudial cried. Standing up, she shouted, "Come out, daimon!!!"

The back of the van ominously swung open and dark mists swirled around what lay inside. After a moment, a silhouette appeared in the midst of the fog.

"Chagauma!" the daimon announced its name.

Jason paused and thought about how to approach the situation, his gaze shifting between the daimon, Eudial and the car. "Hey, I've got an idea!" He once again took Hotaru by the hand and led her to the opposite side of the van.

Eudial didn't notice the sound of the door opening or the noise of it slamming shut.

Sailor Neptune had suddenly appeared on the scene and examined the boy's pure heart. After a moment, she turned to Eudial and said, "You've just wasted your time. It's not a talisman."

Eudial cursed under her breath. "Another dud!"

Neptune tossed the crystal back to the boy, disappearing into his chest as it landed.

The witch turned to her daimon. "Err, well, Chagauma, I'll let you handle them, goodbye!" She turned and tried to grasp the handle of her door, but the second she did, it moved out of her reach.

*VROOOM!* The van sped backwards. A girl with fluffy pink hair grinned maliciously and waved back from behind the steering wheel as the car backed out of the bushes and slipped out of sight.

Jason looked over Chibiusa's shoulder to keep an eye on where they were going. "Okay, Hotaru-chan, keep on the gas! Faster, faster!"

Hotaru nodded back up at the smaller girl and, almost lying down on the seat pressed her right foot against the gas pedal. "I hope this works…"

"We're going to run out of road soon," Ben noted.

"Where we're going," Jason replied silently, "we're not going to need," he laughed, "roads!" Aloud, he called out, "Now hit the brakes!"

*RRRRRRRK!!!* The van skid to a halt. Jason shifted into overdrive. "I love the way this engine purrs. A custom-made minivan with a twelve-cylinder engine and fuel injection. Who'da thunk it? Heh heh heh, NOW I can have some FUN!!!"

"But what about the daimon?" Chibiusa asked.

"Hey, yeah, Jason!" Ben piped up. "We've got the van, but what could we do with it other than joyride around with it?"

"You mean you haven't figured it out yet?" Jason asked silently. Aloud, he said, "Okay, Hotaru! Hit the gas as hard as you can! Pedal to the metal!"

The black-haired girl nodded. "Right!"

*VROOOOOOM!!!*RRRRRRRRRK!* The wheels spun in the air for a moment before the traction kicked in and the vehicle sped forward, accelerating wildly.

"Did we remember to buckle our seatbelt?" Ben asked.

"Oops," Jason muttered in a neutral tone.

"What 'oops?'" Hotaru asked.

"Nothing," Jason quickly replied. "Keep that pedal down until I give the word!"

The van bounced past the hole in the hedges and at a hundred forty-one kilometers per hour, sped straight for Eudial, who dove out of the way. Preserving all of its kinetic energy, the car slammed head-on into Chagauma, the tea-daimon.


"WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" Chagauma screamed as she spun backwards through the air, her two-toed shoes staying exactly where they had been on the ground before she'd been hit.

"Okay, now stop!" Jason called out, but it was too late.

*CRASH!*SHATTER!!!* Not having exhausted its momentum, the van continued forward until it slammed into a sturdy metal post, instantly stopping it in its tracks. All crumple zones had been crumpled. The windshield popped out and fragmented, the radiator had been broken wide open and, fortunately, the airbags worked.

"Unnnhhhh," Jason groaned, pushing back the bag with Chibiusa's small arm. Something occurred to him. "Hotaru?" There was no response. "Hotaru-chan?" He frantically pushed back the airbag to see Hotaru hunched over in her seat, trembling as if weeping.

"Hotaru?!" Jason asked urgently, patting the larger girl on the shoulder. "Hotaru!"

The girl turned to face him, tears in her eyes. They were not, however, tears of sadness. She threw her head back and giggled uncontrollably. "That was GREAT!" She laughed a little harder and scooted in closer to give Jason a quick hug. "That's what I like about you, Chibiusa-chan! You're crazy."

"Uhhh, that worked," Ben noted. "Didn't it?"

"But what about the daimon???" Chibiusa asked impatiently.

Jason paused, thinking about that. "Oh yeah, that reminds me." Turning to the still-chuckling girl sitting beside him, he said, "Wait here for a sec, 'kay?"

Grinning back, Hotaru nodded.

Finding that the door's locking mechanism was still intact, Jason hopped out of the car and stalked toward the daimon that lay prone on the ground. As he neared Chagauma, he could tell that she was badly injured with a huge gash down her midsection leaking large amounts of ichor all over the place. From the looks of it, she probably had several broken bones as well.

Chagauma groaned and looked up at him, fear in her eyes.

Normally, Jason wasn't the vengeful sort, nor was he a cold-blooded killer or anything like that, but still, there was one thing that he had to get off his chest before moving on.

"YOU @#@@! THING!!!" he growled in Chibiusa's high-pitched voice while kicking the creature as hard as he could in the ribs. "YOU TRIED TO @#$@$^^@ MAKE ME SAY THOSE @!#*$#$@!!# WORDS!!!" He started jumping up and down on the thing's back, digging in Chibiusa's toes whenever he got the chance. "@!#%#@!!%@# YOU AND YOUR !@#$@!%#$@!^$!#@^$^$!!!"

"Isn't that a little excessive?" Ben asked.

"NO, IT'S NOT !@%!%@!%! EXCESSIVE!!!"

"Ewwww, you've got a bad potty mouth, Jason!" Chibiusa criticized the man in control of the body.

"Gee, thanks! Coming from you, that means a friggin' LOT to me, y'know!"

"Got something against shouting out magical phrases for the fun of it?" Ben prodded.

"NAAAAAAW!" Jason shot back, grinding the daimon's fingers under the heel of Chibiusa's shoe for a moment. "Whatever made you think THAT?"

The daimon groaned and tried to crawl away, but was too injured to do so.

Having forced Eudial to run off without her van, Sailors Neptune and Uranus approached the very angry-looking girl.

"Uhh, little girl?" Uranus asked hesitantly.

"WHAT?!!?" Jason shouted back, turning toward them with bloodshot eyes.

"Nothing," Neptune replied for her companion, then took the blonde Outer Senshi by the arm and led her away. "Please continue."

"And hey," Jason spat, speaking to Uranus and Neptune, his rage still focused on the maimed daimon, which groaned at each tiny source of pain, "if you want to know where those @#%@!#! talismans are, I could probably tell you in a day or two."

Neptune stopped and turned back around. "You know about the talismans, little girl?"

Jason nodded, pausing to grit Chibiusa's teeth and kick the daimon sharply in the lower jaw.

"Why a day or two?" Sailor Uranus asked.

"Because I need to do some more covert recon on the enemy to be absolutely sure," Jason replied.

Neptune raised an eyebrow.

Sailor Moon ran up behind them. "I am Sailor Moon, I…" she broke off when she saw the condition of the daimon. "Eeew! What happened to that thing?!"

"I did," Jason replied, raising a hand. "But I'm done now. You can go ahead and take over." He hopped off of Chagauma's back and kicked some dust into her face before walking past the three moderately surprised Sailor Soldiers toward the smoking, totaled vehicle by the pole.

Sailor Moon hefted the Spiral Moon Heart Rod and looked grimly at the maimed daimon. She considered her options and decided that the most humane, right thing to do at this point was to put it out of its misery.

"Moon Spiral Heart Attack!"

*BLAM!* "Lovely!"

The daimon vanished, dropping a tea set in its wake. A ribbed white daimon egg slipped out of it and cracked, releasing a black shadow that disappeared into the air.


The boy that had been attacked watched in fascination. "Cute," he whispered.

As the five knelt down, waiting for the tea ceremony to begin, Usagi leaned down to whisper in Chibiusa's ear. "Say, what've you been doing all day? And who's your new friend?"

"I've been having fun with the voices in my head," Chibiusa replied, "they're a couple a' characters, let me tell you." She smiled over at Hotaru. "And my friend's name is Hotaru. She lives in a big house by the park. Her dad's a professor at Mugen High. Isn't he, Hotaru-chan?"

The frail girl nodded pleasantly. "He is." She pointed at the ponytailed blonde. "Who is she, Chibiusa-chan?"

"That my," Chibiusa began to reply, but stopped. "She's my cousin Usagi."

"She looks a lot like you," Hotaru noted.

"Nice to meet you, Hotaru-san," Usagi said with a lopsided smile.

"Likewise, Usagi-san."

Haruka and Michiru glanced sideways, cautiously keeping an eye on the pink-haired girl.

Finally, the door slid open and the boy that had been attacked earlier by Eudial walked into the room, carrying the utensils required for the tea ceremony.

The boy was also dressed in white and blue sailor-style blouse and an abbreviated brown skirt.

Usagi, Haruka and Michiru jumped back against the wall in shock.

"I had a beautiful dream a short while ago," the boy announced, "it gave me a new idea how to do the tea ceremony!" He started jumping around, doing various silly poses. "Say hello to Sailor Refinement! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!"

Usagi, Haruka and Michiru ran out of the building in disturbed shock, not saying a single word. Chibiusa fainted, leaving Jason in control.

"This is different," Hotaru noted to her friend.

Jason shrugged as the tea was quickly made. "Yeah, I guess." Looking over at the tea that was being made, he asked the sailor-suited boy, "Does that have caffeine in it?"

"Among other things," the young boy replied with a nod, "yes."


Soon, multiple vessels of the powerful, steaming liquid were placed before the duo.

"Wait," Ben whispered, "don't—"

Jason wasted no time in downing his first cup, badly searing Chibiusa's mouth and throat in the process. "Ahhh!" he whispered in satisfaction.

"Oh no," Ben muttered, much chagrined. "You DID."

Hotaru giggled slightly at her friend and also sipped from her teacup.

"All right!" Jason sighed before continuing to chug his extra-strong tea, "I love a happy ending!"

[End Gratuitous Self-Insertion Venture, Part Two!]

Visual effects, Ending credits:

Chibiusa looks over Tokyo from a hilltop, headbanging to the tune of "Watashi Tachi Narita Kute," which she listens to with headphones and a walkman.

Domo arigato:


Chibiusa(singing along): Co'ee wah, lonely-lonely heart! (head bobs up and down, snapping her fingers to the sound of the beat, lips curled) Tsu no hime-ka!


Chibiusa(dances with her shoulders): Watashi tachi narita kute!


Chibiusa(strums an imaginary guitar): Baby Baby Love!


Chibiusa(headbangs along to the beat)


Part 3
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