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A Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon story
by Benjamin A. Oliver

Disclaimer: Sailor Moon is owned by Takeuchi Naoko, Koudansha, TV Asahi, and Toei Douga, and DIC.

Chapter 6

Far across the sands of time, through the gate and back again, the Official Keeper of Time— the temporal know-it-all of temporal know-it-alls— Sailor Pluto, was still puzzling over the great questions of the ages…

Why are we here?

What is the sound of one hand clapping?

If a tree falls in the forest with nothing around to hear it, does it make a sound?

And last but foremost on her mind…


This particular migraine had popped up sometime during the late twentieth century, as it was common for events of this magnitude.

Speaking of high-magnitude events, three of the top ten signs that the universe was doomed to destruction involved Sailor Pluto.

Number Seven: Sailor Pluto jumps through a time gate with the words, "So long, suckers!"

Number Five: Sailor Pluto has a REALLY bad migraine.

Number One: Sailor Pluto is curled up in the corner of a room muttering, "We're all going to die! We're all going to die!"

The fifth sign— not being the worst, but nevertheless in the top ten— was certainly a sign of what most sentient life forms would call 'Bad Things!'

The 'Bad Thing!' in question had already passed, and disaster had been narrowly averted through the clever thinking of certain very powerful individuals… not to mention a great amount of sheer luck and dramatic necessity… but that didn't mean that Sailor Pluto was about to let the cause of the event go unrewarded. She had to get the message across that mucking up the Whole Scheme of Things™ was not an acceptable form of 'free speech'.

"On behalf of the timeline, I'll punish them!" Sailor Pluto shouted militantly. She then shook her head. "I've been hanging around Sailor Moon too much…"

Another list, 'The Top Ten Worst Mistakes of Your Miserable Existence', told of some of the worst foul-ups in the history of life-kind. This list also told you what would happen if you decided to make the listed mistake, and what to go and do with yourself after you made it.

Number three, for example, was getting Sailor Pluto angry. Unfortunately, in order to maintain the PG-13 rating, we were forced to omit the explanation of what would happen if you did.

The list, however, gave you a simple process to follow after you had done so:

Step one: Place your head between your legs.
Step two: Kiss your rear goodbye.

Suffice it to say that getting the Guardian of the Gate of Time angry was not a wise thing to do. The list afterward went on to state that if you wished to annoy Sailor Pluto, you should: 'Forget it! Unless you happen to be a nine-billion-year-old entity with the power to decimate entire galaxies with a flick of your wrist, you don't stand a chance. I'd like to say that it's been nice knowing you, but, quite frankly, it hasn't.'

Needless to say, after reading these fascinating articles, many did just what the lists told them they shouldn't. Soon after they did, they were asked if they would do the same thing again.

99 percent said "NO WAY!!"
0.5 percent said, "Yes."
0.4 percent said, "Huh?"
0.1 percent said, "I would very much like a piece of cheese."

Back on the subject of 'Top Ten' lists, number eight on the 'Top Ten Ways to Get Sailor Pluto Mad at You' was to give Sailor Pluto a migraine. (Number nine was a Pink Sugar Heart Attack.)

The final suggestion this helpful guide gave was: "RUUUUUUN!!!!"

Meanwhile, as this discussion was going on throughout the various time streams, Sailor Pluto had just devised exactly what she would do to the one who had caused the temporal elimination paradox, thereby causing the headache. Pacing around, she blurted out the first thing she was going to do to the individual.

"Someone's gonna die!!!" Sailor Pluto steamed, cracking her knuckles. She had just uncovered a former timeline; one that had been recklessly destroyed by one 'Atomic Starlight Knight'.

The one who had caused the destruction of the alternate timeline had experienced some friction between himself and Sailor Pluto in the past, and had a few ways of keeping himself hidden, to a certain extent. It was a 'Continued Existence' sort of thing. However, if Sailor Pluto really wanted to, she could find him. So, if she did come looking for him, it was a safe bet that it wasn't just to come and say hello.

Focusing, Sailor Pluto searched, but kept running into 'blocks'. Those shouldn't have been possible, but there they were, keeping her from seeing anything about the timestream they were protecting.

"Ah, so Reenie WAS a mistake," Sailor Pluto whispered to herself, seeing what the blocked areas had affected.

Focusing harder, she smashed past the barriers, finding out whatever she could.

The barriers slammed closed once more.

Sailor Pluto smiled mysteriously. She had found out all she needed to know, and had devised several more methods of torture to employ upon her target.

She would get her message across.

Did you just feel something?

Sounded like a spleen…

Oh, just stop that! I need to concentrate!

Atomic Starlight Knight was testing out a 'Secret Identity'. All the greats had one. Superman, Batman, Green Lantern, the Sailor Senshi, the Knight Sabers; everyone. His secret identity was a tad different, but operated on much the same principle. The main difference was that he WAS the Atomic Starlight Knight, while the identity was the fake one. He only needed to come up with the proper form.

"Disguise Power, change me into a mild-mannered newspaper reporter!" A.S.K. said magnificently, activating his knowledge of the Luna Pen, along with modifications that he had hoped would work.

Unfortunately, the disguise magic malfunctioned.


The pigtailed redhead found herself spluttering and coughing out water in the canal she had just blown herself into.

They told me they fixed it!

Um, I'm sorry—

I trusted them! She pounded on her head.

It's not my fault!

"That's the third time this week!" she yelled at herself.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

No you're not!

You're right! So whatcha gonna do about it? Huh? huh?


*WHACK!* She got thrown against the wall of the canal.

OW! Well, stop this if you can! Pink Sug— HEY! What's that?! she thought, starting to climb out.

The internal war was cut short as a green haired woman in a black-skirted Sailor Senshi uniform, carrying a large staff, suddenly appeared. Her facial expression was one of… extreme distaste.

The girl in the canal gasped in terror.

The fuzz! Engage all temporal blocks! Turn on the nice act! Stand up straight! [Form Appropriate: YES] Activate "cute eyes"—

Sailor Pluto glanced around, taking on a puzzled look. She caught sight of the girl splashing around in the nearby waterway. "Um, excuse me, young lady?"

I am NOT a girl!

Shut up! At present, you are, now stop coughing up water and ACT LIKE IT!!!!

—Secure all animals to the zoo—

"Hello?" Sailor Pluto said, waving a hand in front of the girl's eyes.

—Now make like a cute little bipedal hominid and respond!


Unless, of course, you wish to end up EXACTLY LIKE THOSE YOUMA YOU DUSTED!!!

"Oh, hello, Miss!" she said brightly. "Can I help you with anything?"

Sailor Pluto shrugged and held out a hand. "It looks like you're the one who needs some help," she said, helping her out of the canal. This act didn't have that much to do with protecting the timeline, but hey, why not be nice?

During this, the girl was inwardly shaking and was misinterpreting that last sentence as badly as one possibly could.

She's finally gonna blast me this time!

Calm down… Pixie dust, Pixie dust. She started to calm down mentally.


She let out a yelp.

"What's wrong?" Sailor Pluto asked, concerned.

"Um, nothing… Just a slight bruise," she said, rubbing her shoulder.

Slight bruise?! Is that the best you can come up with?



Sailor Pluto kept wondering why the one she was looking for wasn't here. She was still being blocked somehow, too. If the one she was looking for wasn't here… then why was she here?!

Under normal circumstances, Sailor Pluto would have this entire thing figured out in, quite literally, no time at all. But considering that a really powerful migraine, as those who have suffered from one can tell you, can have roughly the same effect on one's mental capabilities as a complete frontal lobotomy, she was having a little trouble.

"Too bad," Sailor Pluto said, mind somewhere else. She once more focused on the girl. "By the way, have you seen this person?" The green-haired Sailor Senshi held up a picture of the Atomic Starlight Knight. The girl gasped.

"I see you have," Sailor Pluto said mysteriously, interpreting her reaction. "Where can I find him?"

Um, quick, eat this bucket of lard! she thought, taking out a bucket. She began to chug the contents.

Swallow, man, SWALLOW!!!

Sailor Pluto raised an eyebrow. The girl smacked herself and dropped the bucket.

What was that?!

Um, a diversion?

Last time I ever listen to you!

"Allow me to repeat myself: Where is he?"

The girl looked from side to side, took out a scrap of paper [Not waterlogged, mind you!] and scribbled an address on it. She then handed it to Sailor Pluto and ran off. Sailor Pluto gave half a smile and read the address.

"Japan… Hmm… A Tokyo suburb…"

"Neflyte, tell me your plans," Queen Beryl commanded.

"Unlike the former general, I do not need to harvest energy from large amounts of people to achieve our goals," Nephrite said. He had managed to totally shrug off the horrendously poor name pronunciation.

"What will you do, then?" Beryl asked.

"At any given time, there are certain humans that reach their peak energy level. I will ask the stars to find out who and when."

Zoicite appeared with an annoying laugh. "Hey, 'Neflyte', betcha that you'll mess up like Jadeite!"

Nephrite rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, Zoicite. We've heard it." He teleported away.

"Zoicite, don't worry. If he fouls up, you can take over," Beryl said.

"Okay, Queen Beryl," Zoicite said, then mumbled, "At least she gets MY name right…"

"The stars know everything…" Nephrite said, focusing. He was in his starhouse-cathedral-place. "Show me the human whose energy is approaching its peak."

The star view faded to show a young woman dressed for playing tennis.

"Molly, I didn't know you had a world champion tennis player in the family!" Serena said.

"Neither did I," Molly replied, confused.

"Um, I think she's just a good tennis player," Terra said helpfully.

"Oh yeah… But she sure plays like one," Serena said.

The tennis player in question was, in fact, playing really quite well. Therefore, the above people were making accurate observations. However, the next observation that Serena made was wrong by nearly every possible definition.

"AAH! A snake!" Serena said, jumping up.

"'Ey, I'm not a snake!" the ArbyFish said indignantly, fluttering up from the grass.

"Shhh! Quiet!" Serena said to Arby, attempting to grab Arby to keep him down. He fluttered out of reach.

"WHAT'S THAT?!" Molly asked, shocked and horrified.

"I'm an ArbyFish!" Arby said proudly, fluttering in the air for effect.

"IT'S TALKING TO ME?! AAAAAH!" Molly started to back off.

"It's uh, um…" Serena began uneasily.

"It's a rare… East African…" Terra continued.

"ArbyFish! I'm a rare East African ArbyFish. Never find another one loike me!" Arby said.

"Nor would you want to," Luna mumbled.

"Did your cat just talk?!" Molly asked, going deeper into shock. Luna winced at her mistake.

"Umm… NO! No. My cat didn't talk. You're just imagining things, right?" Serena said quickly.

"Right," Terra and Arby said in unison.

"And for the record, I am not a snake," Arby said.

"You do laugh like one, though," Terra noted.

"Could be, could be… but I do not look like a snake!" Arby exclaimed.

"Well, you were down in the grass, and you're green," Serena said.

"True, true… But 'ave a mushroom anyway!" Arby said, tossing a mushroom. Terra caught it.

"Stuffed mushroom. Well-prepared, too. You're improving," Terra said nicely. Arby smiled. Molly stared incredulously.

"Ya got two minutes to get ta class," Arby said. Serena looked at her watch and confirmed this.

"AAH! You're righ—" Serena was cut off as she was taken by the arm by a running Terra.

Arby, holding up a radar-gun, clocked the speed.

"Not bad. She's takin' it slow today…"

"W…what's going on?!" Molly asked, reaching the pinnacle of confusion.

"You're prob'ly wonderin' what's really going on," Arby said. Molly nodded. Luna was groaning, shaking her head. Arby swooped and slapped some sunglasses on Luna and himself.

"Well, all your questions will be answered," Arby said, "if you'll please look at this." He fumbled around with a small cylinder (well, small being half his body length).

"What's that? And you still haven't really told me what you are!" Molly said.

"I'm just a pigment of yer imagina'n. Green," Arby said, causing the cylinder to extend. Molly looked at the cylinder.

A green light blinked. Molly stood there with a blank expression on her face. Arby and Luna hid. The reddish-brown haired girl shook herself out of the trance, looked at her watch in shock, and ran off toward class.

"You really have to stop popping up like that! You're going to give her… brain cancer or something!" Luna said to Arby.

"Oh, but I like to!" Arby said pleadingly.

Luna shook her head and sighed. "That's NOT a good thing."

"Oh, well, that would be different, then, wouldn' nit?"

Here it is, Sailor Pluto thought, arriving at the specified address. Might as well knock.

The Guardian of the Gate of Time knocked mysteriously.

A woman with a smile on her face answered. "Hello!" she said happily, "How may I help you?"

"I'm looking for this person," Sailor Pluto said, showing the picture.

The woman looked at it for a moment. "You know, that sort of looks like… He's in the dojo."

"Thank you," Sailor Pluto said, and began walking toward the building.

A certain hyper-powered martial artist we all know and love/hate was practicing in the family dojo.

At least, he was until some crazed, green-haired girl in an abbreviated sailor suit burst through the door.

Crazed people blasting through things were common in this young man's life, as were people shouting out odd phrases before doing the blasting.

"DEAD SCREAM!!" the sailor-suited woman shouted.

The young man didn't have a clue what this was about, but he was absolutely sure that his pop had something to do with it.

This was going to be one of those days…

"Why? Why? WHY?!" Atomic Starlight Knight shouted, trying to find a better way to block out Sailor Pluto's temporal sweeps.

I don't know! There's just something about the current method that will not let her ignore me!

You don't think she found out about that—?

No. That was too well hidden. Instant Jusenkyo water cannot be detected through temporal sweeps.

Says you!

Uh huh.

Are you sure she wants to blast you?


Oh, really?

Quite. What I really need to know is how to stop her from following me. The inner temporal blocks are secure, so she doesn't know about the 'Big Scary Monster' thing yet. She keeps trying to punch through, though!

What do I do, then?

Try and find a more subtle way to block it. And while you're at it, FIX THAT DANG TRANSFORMATION MAGIC!

A.S.K. still had not rectified that little bug. A cute little pigtailed redhead was still the visible image.

Um… This one's going to take a while.

How long?

Seven and a half—

Not till next week?!

No! No. About seven hours. A.S.K. was relieved.

Okay, I'll go… play some tennis or something until then.

But I want to blow something up!


Nephrite had arrived on Earth, set himself up with a house, a car, and a name. Now was the time to do his evil-nasty-badness!

He saw his target: A brown-haired tennis player.

Now to get down to business.

*BAM!* He rammed into his target… and someone else.

"Ouch. Oh, I'm sorry, let me help you," Nephrite said, concentrating, putting an evil-dark mark on the racket.

"May the holder of this become a servant of evil!" Nephrite said to himself, finishing the job. "Here you go."

"Uh, thanks," the pigtailed redhead said, taking the racket.

"Wrong one!" Nephrite realized, grabbing the other racket.

"Hey!" the tennis player said.

"May the holder of this become a servant of evil!" Nephrite said, concentrating.

The evil-dark mark wasn't appearing.

"Mister, can I please have my racket back?"

"Just a second!" Nephrite said, concentrating harder.

Still nothing.


"Wait, wait!" Nephrite said, taking out a felt-tip pen, drawing in the mark. As soon as he finished, the girl snatched the racket—

*WHACK!* —and bonked him on the head with it.

"WAAH!" Nephrite said, holding his head.

"You've been practicing!" Another girl said from the sidelines.

Nephrite stormed off.

Sailor Pluto was wondering where her target had run off to. After blasting him once, which he had amazingly survived, he had run off, muttering about asking 'the old ghoul' for a counter-technique. She still couldn't break through some of the other temporal barriers that he had set up.

Ah, there he is!

"Dead Scream," Sailor Pluto whispered calmly.

The young man didn't seem to be frightened.

"Hiryuu Shoten Ha!" he shouted, circling around, driving Sailor Pluto's energy back at her and creating a whirlwind.

"Stop!" Sailor Pluto ordered her energy. The whirlwind subsided. One of the useful things about Senshi attacks is that you can tell them to stop if you had to.

Still, Sailor Pluto was surprised at having had her attack being driven back at her.

She hated being surprised.

Pluto was a small planet, but an extremely important one. It held, among other things, the Time Gate. The Time Gate was the singular most important discovery in temporal physics of the Silver Millennium. With the Gate, one could reach any point in history, or could go into the future.

It was a very useful tool, actually, if you wanted to go and destroy the universe with a temporal shockwave. Luckily, when it was discovered, a Senshi was put in place, devoted exclusively to guarding it. (Can't have people going and destroying the universe… It just wouldn't be proper.)

It was also useful in other ways. For example, if used properly, it could also tell you anything and everything you wanted to know about the timeline, and allowed you to change it.

And so it came as a great surprise to Sailor Pluto when a surprise attack began on the planet, in accordance with the laws of unpredictability. (Which are, of course, close cousins to the laws of improbability.)

**VRZZT** *BLAM!* Sailor Pluto snapped fully awake. Okay, well, half awake.

"What was that?!" she asked groggily.

As soon as she asked the question, she knew the answer.

"A surprise attack? By who?"

Again, she knew the answers to all these.

"A 'Big Scary Monster'?! Why wasn't I informed?"

She was informed.

"Oh. But why on the EXACT night I decide to go to sleep for once?!"

She knew the answer to that, also.


The attacker was a monster. Well, monster being a tremendously enormous understatement. This particular beastie had destroyed countless civilizations, decimated entire galaxies, and had JUST BREACHED THE OUTER DEFENSES!!!

Sailor Pluto sprang into action, leaping out of bed, speeding toward the guest quarters, and attempting to awaken the two visiting Outer Senshi.

"WAKE UP!!" Sailor Pluto said urgently.

"Wha…?" came a sleepy answer.

"If you want to keep this planet from being destroyed, GET UP!"

There was some mumbling and grumbling, but the door finally opened.

"Good, now hurry!"

Rushing to a point where they could view the attacker, they saw what it was. Sailor Pluto already knew exactly what it was and what it wanted. Sailors Neptune and Uranus [Let's forego all the pronunciation jokes, okay? Okay.] didn't have a clue what was going on.

"What's going on?" Sailor Neptune asked sleepily.

"See that?" Sailor Pluto asked, pointing at a rather large dark creature slashing at things, tossing energy blasts, and making loud screeching noises.

"Yeah," Sailor Uranus said.

"In twenty seconds, it is going to be attacking the Time Gate," Sailor Pluto said, "and we have to try to stop it."

"Doesn't look too tough," Sailor Uranus said.

"Um, yes it does…" Sailor Neptune noted.

"All right, fine. So let's destroy it so we can go back to bed," Sailor Uranus said, yawning.

They moved into attack position.

"Ready, aim…" a voice with an odd accent said.

Sailor Pluto glanced up. "Move back three feet, please," she said to the other Senshi. They did so.

"PORRIDGE!!!!" the voice shouted. Instantly, huge quantities of a soup-like substance poured upon the creature, knocking it down. "Come on, put ya backs into it, lads, now! Porridge!"

The stream of steaming porridge continued to sweep down, barely missing the Senshi. As the deluge finally subsided, the beast slowly regained its footing.

"How did you know that was going to be happening?!" Sailor Neptune asked.

"Magic," Sailor Pluto said. "Okay… Actually, Arby has been advertising his Mushroom Porridge drop for weeks."

"Okay… It's distracted, so… DEEP SUBMERGE!!"


"Dead Scream."

The three Senshi's attacks fell upon the distracted creature, making a nice loud impact and causing the creature to squeal loudly. It turned around and glared angrily at them.

"Growlf," it said simply. As the Senshi wasted a few precious seconds interpreting that, the creature unleashed attacks that duplicated the ones the Senshi used.


They were duplicates— except for the fact that they were increased in amplitude by a factor of twenty. The monster nodded, satisfied at its work, and flew back to its starship, which was engaged in the meaningless decimation of the mostly uninhabited planetary surface.

The ship departed.

"I… (cough) thought that you were supposed to be able to predict these things," Sailor Neptune said, coughing out a small puff of black smoke.

"I am," Sailor Pluto said, completely unscathed.

"Then… why did you let us attack it?!" Sailor Uranus asked.

"It wasn't after the Time Gate, it was after us. Once it felt it had defeated us, it left."

"So we're done here?"

"Yes," Sailor Pluto replied.


Sailors Neptune and Uranus collapsed.

Yeah, there had always been surprises, but she had always been able to come up with the correct response. But now? She was still being blocked!

"Still fighting?" the pigtailed martial artist asked.

Sailor Pluto gritted her teeth and nodded. As was custom for sailor-suited warriors, she decided to make a speech. She didn't normally do speeches, but this was a very special case. Unfortunately, that headache was making a proper speech a mite difficult to say.

"Foul cur! Thou wilt relinquish thy control on the timeline immediately or face my wrath! For I am Sailor Pluto, green-haired Key holder of the space-time continuum!" Sailor Pluto forced out.

Lightning flashed behind her.

The young man raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, smash THIS ball into your court! Sonic Tennis Ball SLAM!!" A.S.K. said, still not having resolved the disguise problem.

"HA HA HA! Weakling! You cannot defeat ME!!" the other person said, smashing the ball back at an incredible velocity, hitting A.S.K. squarely on the nose.

"AOUCH!!!" A.S.K. said, rubbing his/her/its nose.

All right, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!?!?!

Remember that guy that wouldn't let go of the racket?

Uh, yeah?

That was Nephrite.

But if that was Nephrite, then what would he want with a tennis racket?

Hmmm… Oh yeah, he must've drawn in an evil-dark mark or something.

Oh, look! There's a mark on your racket, too!

But that would mean that—

[Nephrite: Energy level approaching its peak…]

"Grhaha…" P.S.K. said maniacally.

"Help me…Help me…" A.S.K. said weakly to side people.

"Shut up, you fool! This body is mine now! HAHAHA!" P.S.K. said insanely.

That goes a long way toward explaining the increased violence…

"Shut up!" Possessed Starlight Knight said, smashing the end of the racket on their head with a *Whack!*

Hey! I ain't gonna just sit down and take it! NUCLEAR MENTAL BOOT TO THE HEAD!

*SMACK!* P.S.K. went sprawling against the court.

"You're not getting out of it THAT easily!" P.S.K. said, tearing out a metal support beam and— *WONG!* —whacking themselves upside the head.

Ow! Try this one on for size! DEEP PERSONALITY SUBMERGE!!

Nephrite watched the scene in half amusement and half confusion, wondering why the redhead was so close to an energy peak while still not quite hitting it. It also didn't make any sense why the youma possessing that one would be attacking itself.

But that really didn't matter. She had somehow just managed to blast herself off the court. He didn't see where she went. The one he was keeping his eye on was steadily reaching their energy peak. Not very long now.

*Ring* Like the wretched creatures from some deranged behavioral experiment, the students stood and left the classrooms.

"The Bells, the Bells! Sanctuary, Sanctuary!"

"Um, what are you doing, Terra?" Serena asked.

"She's quotin' th' 'unchback a' Notr' Dame," Arby said.

"Okay…" Serena said.

"So what are you going to do today?" Terra asked nicely.

"Try to take over the world!!" Arby said.


"What was that?" Serena asked.

"Alta'nate dimension people. They think they're writin' stories!" Arby said playfully.

Lavender mists swirled…

"But some of us know what's really going on," the man in purple, who had just appeared, said.

Lavender mists swirled once again…

Serena blinked as the man disappeared.

"Uh-huh… Well, whatever. I'm going back to watch the tennis players," Serena said.

"See you later," Terra called back cheerfully as she left, the ArbyFish fluttering onto her shoulder.

"In-deed!" the ArbyFish said.

Upon arriving at the tennis courts, Serena was greeted by a strange sight. One of the players was acting extremely violent. That in and of itself wouldn't be that unusual, but the fact that the tennis balls she was returning were denting the concrete made her a little difficult to ignore.

[Nephrite: Energy is at its peak!]

The black aura and youma popping out to drain energy was also a pretty good clue that something was wrong.

"Moon Prism Power!" Serena shouted.

One drawn out transformation later, Sailor Moon was ready to make a speech.

"I am Sailor Moon, Champion of Justice! Tennis is a game for playing and exercise! Taking the energy of a wonderful player is unforgivable! On behalf of the Moon— *Bonk* Hey! You're supposed to let me finish!" Sailor Moon said, dodging tennis balls.

"Don't worry! You'll be finished when I'm through with you!!!" the youma shouted maniacally.

"This isn't dodge ball!" Sailor Moon whined, dodging.

"Take THIS!" Possessed Starlight Knight said, smashing their head against a brick wall.

"ACK! Oh, is that the best you can do? ATOMIC SUCKER PUNCH!" *SMACK!*

"AAH! You're going to pay for that!" P.S.K. said, picking up a two by four and— *WHACK* —breaking it over their head.

So, any progress on that disguise magic? Atomic Starlight Knight asked calmly.

"Shut up!" P.S.K. said, hitting themselves as hard as they could with their fists.


Yes, but it'll be well in due in an hour.

"Quiet! Stop usurping my controls!" P.S.K. said, trying to strangle themselves with their right arm.

"URK— Never. I will never submit!" A.S.K. said, gaining control of the left arm, pulling the right arm away from their throat.

So, who's for tea?

But I want to blow something up!

"SHUT UP, SHUT UP, EVERYONE JUST SHUT UP!!!!!" P.S.K. yelled, picking up a big rock and— *CRUSH!* —crushing it on their head.

"Um, what are you doing?" a man asked, walking by.


"No, I'm winning!"

"NO, I AM!!!"

The man blinked, shrugged, and continued on his way.


"No I'm not."



"Guess again," A.S.K. said.

"What?!" P.S.K. asked.

You just don't learn, do you? PINK SUGAR BRAIN HEMORRHAGE!!




What did you just call me? A.S.K. thought.


Grrrrrr. I'll show you a pansy, A.S.K. thought and added, Uh oh. You shouldn't have done that.


Do we have a transformation sequence on file? A.S.K. thought.

WHAT?! NO, YOU FOOL!! YOU WOULDN'T— P.S.K. thought, horrified.

Sure do. And, yes, I would, A.S.K. thought.

"Stylin' Fashion Power, Make-up!" A.S.K. said vacuously.


Sailor Moon was still doing her dodge and panic routine when she was finally hit by an attack.

"MFFF!" Sailor Moon said, encased in a huge tennis ball.

"Gotcha!" the youma growled.

There was a red flash and a rose imbedded itself in the concrete.

"Believe in yourself, and you can do anything!" Tuxedo Mask said.

"MFFDUFFDUF!" Sailor Moon said from inside the tennis ball.

"I see," Tuxedo Mask said. He then whipped out his handy-dandy cane and whacked the youma. The tennis ball dissolved.

"Thank you, Starl— Tuxedo Mask?!" Sailor Moon said in surprise.

"You're welcome!" Tuxedo Mask said, glancing around for Sailor Earth.

The youma began to recover. "Hey! That was a cheap shot!" it shouted angrily.

"Stylin' Pink Bows, Wrap!" a cutesy voice called out.

Pink bows came and neatly wrapped the youma. It fell over with a thunk.

An orange-haired girl, a mask on her face that looked like a very large set of glasses, and wearing an extraordinarily fashionable sailor fuku, strutted in.

"I'm the cute and fluffy One-shot Senshi, Sailor Stylin'! I fight for Beauty and Fashion! And on behalf of models everywhere, I'll punish you!" the girl said, posing cutely.

"Ergh! Must… get… insulin…" the youma groaned, not being able to tolerate the appearance of the new Scout. It started to slowly break out of the bows in a last ditch attempt to get away and find something to help ease the sugar overload.

"Might as well finish the job…" Tuxedo Mask said.

"Moon Tiara Magic!" Sailor Moon said, powering up and throwing her tiara in a drawn-out cut-scene.

Poof. Youma dust.

"Mars Fire, IG— Oh, you're done," Sailor Mars said, rushing in with Sailors Earth and Mercury.

"And, remember, wherever there are people in need of a good interior decorator, I'll be there!" Sailor Stylin' said, saluting and taking a bow.

She left mysteriously, leaping over a wall.

"Who was that?" Sailor Mercury asked, gazing after her.

"I don't know. 'Sailor Stylin' or something," Sailor Moon said. "Maybe we'll see her again."

Luckily, they never did.

"I love you! You love me! We're a happy family!" Atomic Starlight Knight, still in the Sailor Stylin' appearance, recited.

MAKE IT STOP!! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS TOLERABLE, MAKE THE HURTING STOP!!! Possessed Starlight Knight thought desperately.

Not until I recite the scripts for the entire first season of Barney and Friends three more times! A.S.K. thought defiantly.


Come on! Just let the poor thing die! A.S.K. thought, opening a mental exit.

"AAAAHHH!" the youma that was doing the possession screamed as it left A.S.K., disappearing.

Aw, and I was going to mentally review every 'My Little Pony' episode ever made, too.

That was… far too cruel for words, A.S.K. thought, shuddering.

Yeah, it was, wasn't it?

I'm going to be down for weeks if this keeps up! I know I had to 'sugar' it out, but that was WAAAAY too much. Why?!

I can't stand anybody messing with my mind. That's MY job, and nobody else's.

Oh, All right, then. Status report! How much damage did that little recital and the head-banging cause?

Warp drive— Er— TELEPORTATION offline. Half the personalities have been rendered unconscious, hull breaches— Um— I mean— minor skull fractures. Diagnosis: That hurt, captain! one of the few conscious personalities thought.

Whoa… I did take a lot of hits, didn't I?

Most of the damage was from the Barney recital, actually.

Even the skull fractures?!

Oh, well, some of them were from the beating…

Ugh… If I ever try anything like that again… just blast me! Is there any good news to report?

We just got the temporal barriers fixed. Sailor Pluto shouldn't be out to kill me anymore.

That's wonderful! But… how much longer do I have to stay like this? A.S.K. thought, looking down at the horrible cuteness that had been used to scare out the youma.

Och, lassie— Er— laddie! We just got the problem fixed!

"FINALLY!" Atomic Starlight Knight said joyfully, returning to his old self and familiar green armor.

I think we'd better just forget messing around with that particular energy for now. Just stick with invisibility, and I'll be okay from now on.

A general agreement was heard throughout A.S.K.'s head, before it started replaying the old themes from that Disaster Area concert he held on Pluto some time back. The extra internal noise reminded A.S.K. exactly how much his head hurt from the continual banging around today.


The youma teleported to the Negaverse, right in front of Nephrite. Recognizing the youma that he had called for the first possession, Nephrite knelt down and looked it in the eye.

"What happened?" he asked.

"Oh, kiptin! It vas terrible!" the youma said before collapsing into sobs.

"Well, Neflyte, it seems that your plans have flaws in them as well," Queen Beryl said, impatiently drumming her fingers on the arm of her throne.

Suddenly, the massive headache that Sailor Pluto had been afflicted with vanished.

"YES!" Sailor Pluto said, hugging the nearest person.


"Um…" the pigtailed youth began uneasily.

"I feel great! The headache is gone, and—" Sailor Pluto began happily, not noticing a certain black-haired girl getting rather angry.

"…NO BAKA!!!"


Soon, Sailor Pluto found herself sailing over the horizon.

That was when she realized that through this entire trip, she had been going after the wrong person for the wrong reasons.

She was rather annoyed at being sent on this wild horse chase, being defeated in combat, and finally getting engaged (through a process that was impossible for even her to fully understand) to that martial artist!

He's a dangerous one… Sailor Pluto thought, examining the now easy-to-view record of A.S.K.

I'll have to keep a closer eye on him from… now on, she considered, designating the proper position on the timeline. Then, all she had to do was let him know that she was watching… and for the good of the timeline, beat him to a quivering pulp.

"Ah, the wonders of frozen liquid!" Atomic Starlight Knight said, holding an icepack to his head.

Now, everyone, quiet!

For once, his mind was calm, in a nice, soothing repair state.

At least, until he felt a familiar presence—


—and several whacks to his ailing head.

"BAKA BAKA BAKA BAKA BAKA BAKA BAKA BAKA!!!!!!!!!" Sailor Pluto screamed angrily, banging the Time Staff against A.S.K. before disappearing as mysteriously as she came.

What… was… that?

Can't think… drain… bamage…

Tell… me!

I… sent her to… that dojo in Nerima.

Starlight… no… baka…

*Thunk* Atomic Starlight Knight collapsed to the ground.

[End Chapter 6]

[Sailor Sez]

<Scene of Umino and Naru pro-wrestling>

"Today, we learned something important."

<Scene of an aggravated Meiou Setsuna>

"If you give time guardians a headache…"

<Scene of Sailor Pluto hunting down A.S.K.>

"Get ready for some pain!!!"

<Scene of Sailor Pluto beating the holy hell out of A.S.K. with her staff>

<Scene of Chibi-Usa>

"So, if you feel like defying destiny— and you know we all do, sometimes— be prepared for the consequences."

<Scene of Sailor Pluto glomping Ranma>

"Sailor Nuke sez…"


Chapter 7
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Webmaster: Larry F
Last revision: January 7, 2006

Old Gray Wolf