Date: Thursday, January 17, 2002 7:14 PM
Now showing, on a website near you…
(Ominous static; the type that always makes the audience shiver in anticipation of exactly what's going to be shown.)
The following preview has been approved for NEARLY ALL ANIME FAN FICTION READERS.
(After a second, an outer space scene appears, lit by stars. The shot pans over to the Earth, passes it with a low-pitched hum and focuses on the Moon, which appears to be populated by a large Greek-ish civilization.)
Voiceover: (that slow, ominous voice everyone seems to want to hire to promote their films) Thousands of years ago, there was a beautiful kingdom of magic and love, which had endured for centuries.
(The scene blurs to black.)
Voiceover: What happened to it?
(Loud explosion and dramatic music, followed by quick scene changes, flashing frames by so fast that it lets the audience's imagination go wild, including but not limited to: Death swinging his scythe at a pink-haired man in a DBZ getup… Two Jadeites duking it out, one with a CUTE blonde in his arms… Ranma in a passionate kiss with a redheaded girl with a ponytail? Tuxedo Mask in a fistfight with Goku?! A green, seal-like creature lifting up flowers… Girl-Ranma in a passionate kiss with Tuxedo Mask?!?)
(Scene returns to the humming flyby of the Moon Kingdom.)
Voiceover: Maybe they caught a disease…
(Ominous scene of a Minmei-clone pouring a black substance on a plate of organic hull, burning through it and grinning maniacally.)
Voiceover: Maybe they left…
(Scene of a crystalline starship going to hyperspace, right by a spiked vessel with lots of big, smoking holes in it.)
Voiceover: Or maybe they simply got blown to kingdom come…
(Big explosion, a door blasts inward and a guy in shining green camouflage armor runs in with a Gatling gun and opens fire.)
(A huge explosion rocks the Lunar surface, expanding outward and shredding every building in its path. A blonde with very long ponytails and a white dress reaches out toward a man in black armor.)
(In outer space, thousands of starfighters follow a thoroughly battered craft, Gatling-laser blasts going everywhere except at their target.)
Minmei-clone: (sings) o/ We can wiiiiiin! We can WIIIIIIN!!! \o
(A green, seal-like creature holds up a mushroom and matches the blasting power of a level ten Super Sayajin in Oozaru mode)
Creature: HABBERJUG N' WILLYWUG SANG ARBY ON THE WAY!!!!
Voiceover: (sarcastic) Gee, I wonder…
(Sailor Pluto grins maniacally, her finger drawing close to a big, shiny, candy-like button, which reads…)
NUKE 'EM 'TILL THEY GLOW!!
(An information screen pops up, most of which is too small to read.)
Voiceover: Now on a website! http://www.rakhal.com/florestica/fan_fiction/ben-oliver/index.html
Princess Terrifying: (groaning under the Neherenia's black lightning) Hoo-boy…
Voiceover: And they've got drawings of ArbyFish. See the Lost Library of Florestica for details.
Arby: (glues down some printouts) Readin's neva' been so much fun, eh? (Turns to the horrified Super-Sayajin beside him, then looks back at the cavern of pages he has to get through) Could take n' eter'ni'y ta read it, though. (Smiles) We gets ta dew it ta'getha', we does!
Kakkarotto: (in agony) NOOOOOOOO!!!
Voiceover: Chapters now available in html format. So are Heart of Sugar and Going at it Like Rabbits. More being worked on as we speak. Hope y'all like it!
Benjamin A. Oliver
"We are the Bored. Lower your shields and surrender your fics. We will add your standup and slapstick comedy to our own. Your humor will be adapted to entertain us. Resistance is— and always has been— FUTILE."
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