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A Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon story
by Daniel R. Oliver

Disclaimer: Yo! Dis Sailor Moon stuff is owned by Takeuchi Naoko, Koudansha, TV Asahi, and Toei Douga, and DIC, but I'll dis you if you lay claim to my stuff (would anyone want to?) like ArbyFish, or… well, I think that's the only thing I care not to see fall into the wrong hands… just ArbyFish.

This chapter is a bit more understandable, conceptually, than my last chapter. I think that I got a little better at writing in the six months it took me to write this. I just hope that I can focus well enough to get my next chapter done in a more permissible amount of time. ENJOY! ^_^

The Great Yearning — For Plot; For Sanity; For ArbyFish

Serena and Molly walked down the streets of the Japanese city where they lived. Serena's hair still had an almost unnoticeably small splotch of green in it. Molly's hair was still as red as ever. They— as well as everyone around them— were still speaking English, like always. This, of course, was a personal affront to the historians, politicians, and linguists, who had put so much work into studying and practicing for the time when they would hold diplomatic meetings with Japan.

The purpose of the two girl's autopedestrianation was to find a place where they could fill their stomachs and make them stop the electro-chemical signals that were being sent to their brain, which caused them to feel the sensation known as 'hunger'.

"So…" Molly said, turning to Serena.

"MNNnnnYEEEEss," Serena responded, "whad'ja want?"

"Where do you think we should go?" Molly said, looking away from Serena and motioning about at the selection that they had.

They were apparently in some sort of 'restaurant' district.

Serena scanned each of the signs and buildings with a cold, squinty stare, like the stare of one trying to pierce their enemy's heart with their eyes.

She spied a sign that caught her attention.

"More than all you can eat…" she said, her eyes brightening. She put her hands on her hips and stuck out her chest. "AHA! A CHALLENGE!" She raised an eyebrow and gave the establishment a quizzical look.

Serena made a quick sweep of her hand, starting with her palm up, fingers pointed at Molly, and finishing with it pointing towards the restaurant.

"Come, Patsy," the blonde girl said and galloped off, taking the lead, Molly in second… Oh, but wait, here comes Lita catching up and taking third place… Boy, oh boy, are we in for a race here, folks… There goes Lita, whizzing past Molly, and nipping at Serena's heels… And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mina's picking up her pace, starting to… Whoa… Lita has been tripped by Serena, I'm not sure if that's legal, but… Oh, and there goes Mina, whizzing past Molly… Molly had a good start, but she can't compete with… Uh-oh… Lita has gotten up again, and boy does she look mad, Lita's not gonna let Serena get away with that… but it might be too late, because the finish line is just around the bend… It's Serena in first, Mina close behind in second, Lita closing in third, and Molly dropping back in fourth… Here it is, ladies and gentlemen, they're coming around to the last stretch… Serena's looking worried… there it is… this is going to be close… AND IT'S…… IT'S!!!!

"NO RUNNING!" Ms. Haruna, who happened to be passing by, yelled at the group.

The galloping group all stopped running suddenly and hung their heads in shame, "Yes, Ms. Haruna…" they said in unison, looking and sounding rather downtrodden.

Oh, and it's Ms. Haruna by a…

"AND NO ANNOUNCING!!" she yelled at the omni-unpresent announcer.

Yes, Ms. Haruna…

The group walked over to the restaurant.

In front of the restaurant…

"This is kind of expensive," Lita said, noting advertised prices of the meals per plate and the 'more than all you can eat' buffet, "are you sure you got the dough?"

"Yeah," Mina reinstated, "are you sure you got enough clams?"

"Yeah," Molly said between heaving breaths, walking up to the group as they stood looking at the place of alimentary nourishment, "it'd take a lot of bucks to eat at this place."

"Have no fear, my loyal companions…" Serena said, then whistled. In response to the whistle, a herd of male deer galloped up to the front of the building, towing a batch of unbaked shellfish cookies.

"I have friends far and near,
If the camera starts to leer,
I will stick a spear,
In his ear,
You hear,

Lita and Mina looked at each other.

Mina made a circling motion with one finger pointed to her temple… the temple on her head (she didn't go insane and buy Raye's or anything… not yet, anyway)

Now that's an idea, Serena stood awhile and thought, but the thought process was disturbed (in more ways than one) by the others' forceful pushing of her into the restaurant. (Not pushing her into the restaurant, like 'whoops watch out for that…')

*BAM* *WACK* *THUD* *CRUNCH* (baka, Baka, BAKA, stay on subject or I beat you absurdly!)

AHEM… anyway…

Inside the restaurant…

A little bell on the door tinkled as the girls entered the building.

"Oh," Host Kalipso said, "Custard… er… customers."

He took out a large mallet and clocked himself over the head with it.

"Can I help you?" the host offered.

"Are you a brain surgeon?" Serena countered.

"Yes." Host Kalipso stated simply.

"Oh, well then…" Serena seemed surprised. "That will have to wait till later. Do you have a table for four?"

"Oh, yes we have all sorts of tables," Host Kalipso turned to the room where everyone else was eating, "tables for six, tables for two, oak tables, pine tables… so what can I put you down for?"

"She said a table for four…" Lita cracked her knuckles, beginning to get hungrily anxious.

"Oak or Pine?"


"Painted or weather coated?"


"Titanium dioxide or lead-based?"

"Titanium dioxide."

"Flatulence or non-flatulence?"

"Non… please…"

"Smoking or chain smoking?"


"Just kidding… now how many of you will be having the buffet?" the host went on (And on and on and on…).

"OOOHH!" Serena raised her hand, "ME! ME!"

"Okay, one?" The host counted.

They nodded in agreement, and then were led to their table.

At the table…

"None of you have any hidden tentacles or anything… do you?" ye olde hoster asked, making the eating experience ohhh so much more agonizing.

"NO!" they all shouted.

"Okay, enjhhhoy yer dinner…" he finally left.

"I thought it was lunch…" Molly wondered, taking a seat (not actually TAKING it, but sitting…).

*SNAP* *BAM* *WACK* *POW* (BAKA, baka, baka, stay on subject or I flog you incessantly!)

Lita and Mina sat down too, while Serena skipped off to the buffet.

"Hmmmm…" Mina looked over the menu.

"Hmmmm…" Lita agreed, flipping through the pages.

"Hey!" Molly shouted after looking at the menu.

"Waiter!" she yelled, trying to get the attention of a person behind her.

"What seems to be the throttle… er… trouble?" Waiter Kalipso turned around, revealing his mustached face. He then took Molly's arm and began to gnaw on it.

"HEY!" Molly shouted, taking her arm back, "what's wrong with you?"

While his head was bent down in the gnawing position, Molly noticed an almost unnoticeably small, purple splotch in the waiter's hair.

"What's wrong?" The waiter squinted one eye. "What's right? What's left?"

"Hey, I thought you were the host?" Mina pointed out.

"No…" waiter Kalipso replied, looking around nervously and adjusting his mustache, "that was my twin cousin… Murray."

"Oh," the girls looked at each other.

"So, what was the trouble?" Waiter Kalipso tried to get the conversation over with so he could get back to his other duties.

"It's this menu…" Lita said, holding up the guide to food selection.

The waiter took the menu and looked through it.

"Seems fine to me…" he said, and tore out a sheet from the middle. He crumpled it up and plopped it in his mouth. "Tastes fine…" He chewed it some. "Nice texture…" He smacked his lips.

"It's blank!" Molly yelled at him.

"What…?" He flipped the menu over a couple of times. "Oh, yes, yes… This is our breakfast menu… We open at high noon… so naturally, we wouldn't have anything available for breakfast."

"Then why do you even have a menu for breakfast… and why did Murray give it to us?" Mina argued.

"Well, you see, it's a discourtesy that we extend to all of our patrons… do you patronize my business… do you?" the man continued, placing his hands menacingly on the table and giving each of the three a dirty look.

At the buffet court…

Oh, the mountains of food… the oceans of soup… the plains of salad… the hillsides of cheese… the peaks of meat, and the valleys of dinner rolls… the rivers of soft drinks, and the fjords of desserts.

In a room about size of a football field, and as high as a giraffe's eye, there sat a geographical smorgasbord of fine cuisine. There were ladders provided for easier access to the top of the piles. Surprisingly, she was alone in the room.

"That good for starters," Serena said, looking up at the view. She looked for anyone else that might have been dining, "Anyone here? Good, more for me."

There was probably enough food to feed a couple of armies, maybe even a medium-sized country.

Serena set to work, she didn't bother going back to the table and sitting down, she just chowed down right there.

Her hands and mouth were a blur as she consumed the entire salad bar, then moved on to the soup. She stopped on the way to grab a straw from the soft drink area, then continued on. When she reached the soups, (each being in a ten-gallon drum) she sucked each of dozens of them dry. Serena didn't lose any momentum as she went to the main-course buffet. She didn't seem to be getting any larger, either.

She grabbed the larger foods first: whole turkeys, sides of ham, full racks of ribs, etc. She then ate the entirety of the smaller stuff.

The blonde girl with the almost unnoticeably small, green splotch in her hair then went back to the fountain drinks and drained them.

"Ooooo…" the girl said while staring at the parfait cliffs, "ice-cream…" She sprinted toward them and took a running-dive into it. When she had finished, she licked herself clean and started to purr.

"Hehehe… that was good," she said, visually scanning the area, "now what's for lunch?"

At the table…

"NO, WE DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO MR. BANANA HEAD…" Lita yelled at the waiter who held in his arms a monkey, "WE WANT FOOD!"

"How about the buffet… can we just have that?" Mina suggested.

"Oh, fine." He released the monkey. "I'll show you to it."

The monkey ran off to the kitchen, where it was employed.

"Right this way…" Mr. Kalipso spun around, walked down the hall, and through a doorway.

There was a scream from the buffet room.

Mina, Lita, and Molly gave each other puzzled looks, then ran to see what was going on.

As they rounded the corner, they were pushed aside by the waiter running out. The group's heads twirled as he breezed by, then they continued to the room.

In the food court…

Armageddon… desolation… wasteland… topography leveled flat… pounded to dust…

The author of destruction: a single hungry girl.

The air conditioner blew a breeze that swept up a few plastic wrappers across the floor, making them seem as though they were tumbleweeds in a barren desert.

"Um… Serena?" Mina tried to locate her companion, "SEREEEENAAAA!" Her voice echoed throughout the room. The girls looked around.

"Hup…" Serena fell from a ladder and grazed one of the buffet tables, spilling pots and pans onto the floor.

A few seconds passed.

"Whelp… what's all this then?" The fallen girl popped up from behind the buffet, wearing a colander on her head and speaking in a British military accent. She ran up to the group and pointed behind her, desperately. "Cabbage crates'r comin' across the saline!" she made a smooth, arced motion with her finger.

The waiter and the host ran into the room. The host made a high-pitched scream.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?" Host Kalipso yelled, his face a turning to a confused scowl.

"Pet bilge rats have overrun the wheat field!" Serena replied, making a over viewing motion with her hand at the buffet.

"I'm sorry… I don't understand your banter…" the waiter said.

"Oh…" she said, "I said 'I've eaten all the plums that were in the icebox, and which you were probably saving for breakfast, forgive me, but they were so inviting… so sweet, and so cold.'"

"You ate *sniff* the entire buffet…" Host Kalipso said as he started to cry.

"Well, then it's obviously not more than all you can eat." Serena rebutted.

"It's more than all I could eat…" Waiter Kalipso said, pointing in the first person to himself.

"Therefore, it's more than all you could eat…" Host Kalipso confronted, pointing in the second person to the waiter.

"No… It's more than all he could eat…" Serena countered, pointing in the third person to the waiter.

A dinner roll clacked on top of a plate that was placed on top of a wide podium. The podium had a heat-lamp on it, and sitting on a comfy chair inside the podium was Judge Kalipso.

"Order… ORDER… this is a courtroom, not a circus." the judge sat up in his chair, then sat back as the room settled.

"A courtroom?" Lita piped up.

"Yes," Host Kalipso began to think, rubbing his chin, "a food court."

"Bring forth the accused!" the judge said.

The waiter and the host dragged Serena up to a chair that was placed in front of the desk-pulpit-buffet-table-thingy. The other lights went off and the heat lamp on the judge's desk was pointed at Serena, immersing her in an a bright, warm glow, and making her the brightest object in the room. She could still see the other people dimly in the shadows, though. Serena also noticed little brown seal-like creatures that were standing on their tails in the darkness.

"You have been charged with eating more than all you can eat…" the judge stated, looking at a paper. He then looked up and said, "HOW DO YOU PLEAD?"

Serena sat awhile.

"Well, that depends…" Serena said and put a hand to her chin, while crossing her legs, "I try not to, usually… but if I had to, I would probably choose the 'on my knees' approach. Unless they were very nice people… then I would stand up and have a fine cup of herbal tea. What do you mean by 'plead' anyway? I suppose I could have heard it wrong and you actually meant 'pleat.' Then I would pleat by making sure the creases are just right and iron them in, use a light starch, and keep it in a cool, dry place…" Serena used her hands to animate the little details, "like Antarctica… ever been there? It's the driest place on earth, hardy a drop of rain there in centuries… lots of penguins, though…"

"SILENCE!!!!!!" the judge yelled, getting out of his chair and pointing his dinner roll menacingly at the spotlighted girl. "HUNGRY… OR NOT-HUNGRY?!"

"Hungry, your contra-majesticness." Serena said, fixing her posture in the chair and waving her head dramatically.

"Just as I thought…" Host Murray started to accuse, approaching Serena, "Liar! Deceiver! Admit it, you're STUFFED, FULL, PORKED OUT!"

"I will do no such thing…" Serena folded her arms in defiance.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch…

"Luna…" Raye said to the cat clinging to the ceiling, "I want you to come down now… okay?"

The black cat shivered slightly in response.

Amy walked into the room.

"How's she doing?" the blue haired girl said.

"I don't know…" Raye shrugged, "I called a vet and made an appointment for a housecall."

"Had trouble prying her off of the ceiling?" Amy inferred, looking up at the cat.

"Yeah…" Raye looked upward.

*Ding-dong* the doorbell rang.

Raye and Amy looked at each other, puzzled.

*Ding-dong* it rang again.

"Do you have a doorbell?" Ami asked Raye.

"I didn't think so," the dark-haired priestess responded.

*This is C.B.S.*
*I'll be back*
*o/Dun-dun duh duh dah dah dAAAAAAAH da-duh duh-da duh-dun daaaaaah dun-duh daaaaaah\o* (name that tune! I'll give you a clue, it has something to do with England)
*I'm not a crook.*

A few notes from the Jeopardy theme song toned through the air.

Raye walked up to the door.

*'You've got mail'*
*o/Hello, my baby… hello my honey…\o*

Raye opened the door to find a man with a megaphone that had a whole lot of buttons on it. He was swinging it around madly and hitting it against trees, walls, himself, and everything else that was around him.

"What are you doing, Dave?" it said, "Would you like me to sing you a song?"

The man threw it on the ground and starting jumping on it.

"o/Daaaaayzeeeee… daaaayzeeee… teellll meee yoourrr…\o" the megaphone started to slow down as larger bits of its insides became smaller bits of its outsides.

The man pulled out a gun.


Raye turned away and plugged her ears as the shots tore into the 'sensitive' electronics.

The noise finally stopped.

Ami ran to the door.

The man stood there with the gun pointed at the machine, threatening to finish it off if it had anything more to say.

"What was that?" Ami asked.

Raye shrugged, then referred Ami to the guy by tilting her head in his direction.

"Um… hello?" Raye stepped out, through the doorway.

"Huh? Oh," the man shook himself out of his kill-joy (as in the joy of killing) phase, threw the gun into a near-by bush, and grabbed his medical bag, "good afternoon… I'm Veterinarian… Kalipso… you called about a cat?"

"Yeah," the raven-haired girl replied, "Come on in."

Raye led the way, Vet Kalipso following. Ami waited inside the door until they passed, then she took up the rear.

As the veterinarian came through the door, he had to duck to get in, when he did, Raye noticed an almost unnoticeably small, white splotch in his light-brown hair.

They walked in, and took a position under the cat.

"Hmmmmm…" The vet pondered, "Looks fine to me."

"She's stuck to the ceiling!" Raye informed, shaking a hand up at the cat.

"And… So…" The veterinarian rolled his eyes upward and his hand in front of him. "You're trying to tell me that this is… abnormal?"

"YES, IT'S ABNORMAL!" Raye yelled back at him, "WHAT PLANET ARE YOU FROM?!"

Vet Kalipso was about to tell them exactly where he, or a least part of him, was from, but he was interrupted by Ami.

"Can you just get her down from there?" the blue-haired girl tried to initiate a course of action that would lead to some measure of productivity.

"Oh, sure," Vet K. said, turning to go to his car. "Just let me get some… 'medical' equipment…"

Raye turned to Ami.

Ami shrugged in response.

The waited for a few seconds.


"AHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Vet K. burst back in through the door, wielding a chainsaw, and wearing a ski mask.

The girls jumped in surprise and alarm.

"AHA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAA!" the veterinarian continued, his eyes wide and wild, showing that he took delight in the ability to destroy things.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU PSYCHO?" Raye yelled at him, unrecoiling and taking a more offensive stance.

(I think most of their stances are 'offensive', but much more so when they're transformed. She does have the longest skirt, normally, except when they wear pants, and…)

{*BAM* *WACK* *BIFF* I TELL YOU 'STAY ON SUBJECT', but NO, you go and have aside with readers! Now, in name of all that is deranged and mental… I KILL YOU!!! *SLAP!* *COW!* *BEEF!* *SLUG!* *CRACK!* *SLAM!* *CRUNCH!*}

(UM… OW… yea… ouch… sure…)

"AHA HA HA HA HA Haaaa HA HA HA…" the man was continuing, but stopped. "Oh… sorry… only way to get cat down… chainsaw… heh heh."

He grabbed a ladder that was behind him and dragged it underneath the cat.

"You carry a chainsaw and a ladder around with you?" Ami asked.

"Yeah," he responded. "For housecalls… cats stuck in trees, hamsters caught in air ducts, lumberjacks… ya know." He stepped up the ladder and readied his chainsaw.

"WAIT!" Raye shouted.

"Yes?" the vet looked down at her.

"If you miss, won't you hurt Luna?" Raye pleaded for the cat's safety.

"Uhn…" He shrugged his shoulders. "Probably."


Woodchips flew as the veterinarian cut a circle around the fettered feline. The circle fell with Luna still clinging to it. Raye caught it.

(I still think it would have been funnier if the temple fell down around them, and the circle was left hanging in the air, but I have to keep reminding myself that this is a 'SAILOR MOON' continuity, not a 'BUGS BUNNY' cartoo…)


(HA! I'm immune to your silly pummeling, Jughead… Um… what's that?)

{Ronald Ray Gun!}




{That'll teach you to talk to the readers!}

"HUNGRY!" Serena yelled back at Murray.

"NOT HUNGRY!" Murray rebuked.

"Order," the judge yelled, "ORDER!"

"Yes, I would like a plain dinner roll." Murray held up his index finger.

*KLONK* the judge threw his 'gavel' at Murray.

The lights flipped on without warning, which made them all worry.

The ones in the background sure wished he would hurry.

"Look, there everyone, it's plane, it's a bird!"
one of them pointed, but knew t'was absurd.

A mutated figure appeared from the dark,
Who looked for a signal, a symbol, or mark,
That would show her the focus,
Of her hocus pocus,
And locate the insolent lark.

"No! It's a daimon equipped with a pump,
that will drain the food out from us, making us jump."
Murray said this while making his stand,
and as the daimon stretched forth her strange hand.

"Yes, daimon, go," Eudial then stated,
"Failure will surely not be tolerated!"

"Which one again?" the daimon took count,
"the one with the hair, or the one that is stout?"

"Who do you call the stout one? Not me!
No moreso than you, or than she or than he,"

"Daimon, take that one, the one with the hair.
The one that ate so much-much more than a bear.
Yes, anyone that could eat that much to start,
will definitely be the one with pure heart!"
Eudial made this remark rather stark,
By taking her gun out to shoot like a shark.

For the gun that she toted,
Would get her promoted,
If only she knew that which why,
Her plans had all failed,
And left her assailed,
With the girls and with that 'Tux Guy.'

Serena, Molly, Lita, Mina, Waiter Kalipso, and Host Kalipso all leaped back in surprise as the daimon landed on a table in front of them after taking a single bound.

The daimon raised her arm, revealing a black star in her armpit, which she pointed at Serena.

"EEEEEEWWWW, stinky," Serena said, holding her nose, "somebody didn't use deodorant."

The daimon put her arm down, looking embarrassed.

"DAIMON!" Eudial shouted, "don't listen to her! She's just trying to throw you off!"

"Hmmm… Now there's an idea…" Serena pondered, then ran up to the mutated stomach pump, which was in the process of re-lifting its arm, and deftly pushed it off of the table.

The Daimon fell to the ground with a heavy thud. Eudial cringed, more because of the daimon's stupidity than for its pain.

Serena got up onto the table, made a pose of triumph, then said, "Ha! Your silly efforts ar—WAh*-*Oomph*" and was pushed off of the table by the daimon.

"DAIMON!" the daimon got back on the table and made its speech. (Even though it is rather hard to make a speech with only one word in your vocabulary— not that other daimons have one-word vocabularies, just this one). It stood there, pondering what to say next. It never had a chance to think about anything in particular in its short existence. "Hmmm… Daimon," it finally decided, "Dai—splat*" and was pushed off of the table again.

"Stop trying to make speeches and get on with it!" Eudial yelled at the stomach pump monster.

"DAIMON!" the creature said, popping up from its prone position on the floor. It lifted its arm once more, exposing the black star in its armpit.

"Serena!" yelled Lita, who had been strangely silent until now.

"Watch out!" yelled Mina, who had also withheld her statements, warning Serena of the seemingly obvious attack that was pending.

A translucent, black beam of energy shot out of the star in the daimon's armpit and burrowed into Serena's chest.

Serena stood there with a puzzled look on her face.

"Is that the best you can do?" she said, looking down at the place where the beam connected with her chest, "If you're looking for a pure heart, you wont find it there."

The daimon made a disappointed face.

"Daimon…" It began to search for a slightly different spot. "DAIMON?"

Serena looked down and then up again.

"You really aren't getting this, are you?" The blonde-haired girl asked the mutated stomach pump.

"Daimon." The daimon shrugged its shoulders. After all, this was the daimon's first time ever doing anything of the sort.

Serena sighed.

"Okay," She said, "here's what'cha do…"

"Serena," Lita said cautioningly, "what are you doing?"

"Quiet," Serena snapped back at her, "can't you see I'm with a student?"

Lita took a step back and was silent again.

"As I was about to say before I was interrupted," Serena continued, "you have to search around for it a bit. Try and find something that feels as though it is out of place, but part of me."

"Daimon…" The daimon complied, searching around for anything that fit that description, and finding something. "DAIMON!"

"Right," Serena encouraged, "now RIP it out of me! C'mon you can do it, just TEAR that sucker from my body!"

"DAIMON!" it said and started pulling on whatever it had a hold of.

"NO! WAIT!" Mina and Lita both stepped forward again, "STOP!"

"You two!" Serena began to castigate them. "Go sit in the *OOMPH*"

Serena almost had the wind knocked out of her as the daimon finally retrieved its prize.

Eudial gasped, sucking saliva down her windpipe.

"*Hack* *cough* that's not a pure *cough* heart!" Eudial coughed out, almost choking on her own spit.

What the daimon had fished out had, in fact, been Willywug.

"'Ello," it said, taking a look around and nodding to everyone, "EY! Where's 'Abberjug?"

Eudial took out her bazooka-gun-pure-heart-ripper-outer-thingy™, aimed it at Serena, and fired.

"Ack!" Serena said as the energy ball from the gun ripped out a different object.

"Oh, man," The Red-haired 'witch' said, slapping a hand to her face and mushing it around.

"Hup," Willywug said, then did a couple of flips, jumped, and snatched Habberjug out of the air. They did a few more flips and turns, then finally they both landed, Habberjug on top of Willywug's head.

"Tadaaa!" they both said in unison.

Host Kalipso and Waiter Kalipso, who were both, by some weird coincidence, named Murray, applauded the two grey seal-like creatures' performance.

"Oh, well," Habberjug started.

"Thank you," they both finished.

"Forget it," Eudial rolled her eyes, "Daimon, get them,"

"Daimon?" the daimon questioned ignorantly.

"I don't care," Eudial fumed, "just do something. Anything. Dance the Can-Can if you want to. I'm leaving." With a screech of her tires, she drove off through the hole she made when she came in.

The daimon shrugged its shoulders and began to lift its legs alternately.

Mina and Lita ran up to Serena, who was a little dazed.

"I think that we should transform," Lita whispered in Serena's ear.

"Why?" Serena questioned, furling her eyebrows, "I kinda like it."

"Serena," Lita pressed, not being able to find much else to say.

"Fine," the funkily fluffed female ferocied.

Mina went over to the three Murrays.

"Um, could you two turn around for a bit?" she asked politely.

"Sure," they shrugged their shoulders then looked in the opposite direction.

"Thanks," Mina said and rejoined Lita and Serena.

The daimon continued its dance while the girls took their transformation stances.

"JUPITER STAR POWER," Lita said, starting to transform.

"VENUS STAR POWER," Mina said, also starting to transform.

"PODER MARIACHI," Serena said,

"MAKE UP!" Lita and Mina finished.

Their transformations ensued, abra-kadabra, *poof*, they're done.

"¡TRANSFORMACIÓN!" Serena said differently, but somehow the same.

Serena's transformation started. Hamster wheels spun in the background with their namesake animals inside them trying frantically to get nowhere. Serena glowed bright green and a guitar appeared in her hands. She looked to her left, paused for effect, and then struck a chord on the guitar three times in quick succession. With the chord, there appeared the traditional mariachi pants. Serena looked to her right, paused for effect again, and struck a higher chord in the same manner as the first. A serape appeared, draped over her shoulders. The partially transformed mariachi faced forward and struck another triplet chord, followed by three slower chords going up and three chords going back down. Her transformation finished off with a sombrero on her head, a mustache, and a mariachi band, which appeared behind her playing a Mexican hat dance.

Sailor Jupiter and Sailor Venus looked on in disbelief.

The daimon stopped Can-Canning and stared bemusedly.

"¡HOLA!" Serena greeted everyone as the band continued to play, "Soy Sailor Mariachi. Las bombas estomacales son sólo para los enfermos. ¡No puedo permitir que le quites la comida a estas personas! Con nuestras trompetas…" She turned around and swept her arm towards the band. "…y mi guitarra…" She turned back around and held up her guitar. "…en el nombre de la luna… ¡TE CASTIGARÉ!"

Little subtitles appeared at her feet:

Hello! I am Sailor Mariachi. Stomach pumps are only for the sick. I can't permit you to drain the food from these people! With our trumpets, and my guitar… in the name of the moon… I WILL PUNISH YOU!

The daimon applauded.

"DAIMON!" it said, entertained.

"¿Oh, así que quieres más?" Serena said to the daimon.

—Oh, so you want more?—

The daimon read the subtitles and nodded its head vigorously.

"Umm… Serena?" Sailor Jupiter, who was thoroughly confused, tried yet again to get Serena's attention.

"¡No uses mi nombre real en frente de los niños!" Serena snapped back at her.

—Don't use my real name in front of the children!—

Habberjug and Willywug looked down at the subtitles.

"EY!" Habberjug spoke for himself and Willywug, "We're fully grown!"

Willywug nodded in agreement.

"¡Siéntense en el rincón!" Serena spat.

—Sit in the corner!—

"Will not 'appen!" Habberjug expectorated.

"We'z got roights!" Willywug phlegmed.

"The court rules that you DO NOT," Judge Kalipso found it a good time to speak up. "Take them away!"

Host and Waiter Kalipso snatched one each and escorted them out of the room.

"Serena," Venus started up, "why don't you do something about the Daimon?"

"¡Pienso que es mono!" Serena said, tilting her head to the side in an adoring manner.

—I think that it's a monkey!—

Serena looked down at the subtitle and kicked it.

—I think that it's cute!—

Serena nodded her head.

"Daimon," the daimon beamed gleefully.

"Oh, te iba a pedir un bis."

—Oh, I was going to give you an encore.—

She turned around to the band and signaled them to start.

The band started up a nice Mexican ballad and Sailor Mariachi began to sing.

o/ El corazón en mi cabeeee-zaaaaaa,
Está en llaaaaa-maaaaas!
Y está matando a mi aspiradooooo-ooraaaaa,
Para desenchufar a tu pe-rrooo,
Mi vida es jugo de tomateeee,
No tengo un sombrero para cubrir a mi hipopótamo,
Porque estoy sangrando internaaaaaameeeeeeenteee. \o

—The heart in my head,
Is on fire,
And is killing my vacuum cleaner,
for to un-plug your dog,
My life is tomato paste,
I do not have a hat to cover my hippopotamus,
For I am bleeding internally.—

There was a great, thundering applause from the audience.

Sailor Mariachi began to bow repeatedly as the unseen audience continued clapping. Some plants in the audience threw flowers.

"Daimon?" The daimon seemed somehow unpleased.

"¿Qué?" Sailor Mariachi furled her brow, "¿No te gustó?"

—What? It didn't please you?—

The daimon shook its head.

"¡¿NO TE GUSTA MI CANTO?!" Sailor Mariachi began to get angry.


The daimon shook its head again, but more slowly this time, anticipating a bad response.

"¡BANDA," Serena yelled to the band, not turning around, "SE VA LA QUINTA!"


The band disappeared.

"Fáltale el respeto a mi música," Sailor Mariachi's face turned red, "¡Y TE MATO!"

—Disrespect my music, AND I KILL YOU!—

The daimon fidgeted nervously.

"NOW, SAILOR M— er… Mariachi," Sailor Venus piped up.

"¡SI!" Sailor Mariachi responded, nodding and brandishing her guitar.


Sailor Mariachi's cinematic attack sequence began with the moon appearing and being covered with hot sauce. It then went on to show Sailor Mariachi spinning her guitar around, preparing to let her attack go.

"¡Luna… Mariachi… Superpotente… GUERRA INDIGESTA!" Sailor Mariachi pointed the guitar at the daimon, which was crouched into a little ball of fear.

—Moon… Mariachi… Super-potent… INDIGESTION WAR!"—

Hot sauce poured from the air onto a surprised Sailor Mariachi.

In the confusion, everyone but Serena and the daimon sneaked out of the room.

"¡Ay, caramba! ¡No salió bien!" Sailor Mariachi said, looking at all the hot sauce that she was covered in.

—Oh, heck! That's not right!—

Meanwhile, back at the temple of doom…

"Hey-ah-ho-ah-hey-ah-ho-ah…" the chanting continued.

"Mumomjibum-mumomjibum!" the poor victim staggered out as the evil priest began to tear the heart out of his living victim.


"WOULD YOU TURN THAT OFF!" Raye yelled at the veterinarian, who was watching his favorite movie on a little portable television.

"Oh," he said, pleadingly, "but this is the best part!"

"NOW!" she screamed loudly.

"Fine," Vet Kalipso acquiesced and turned off the T.V., "but you can't make me like it."

"I don't want you to like it!" Raye braised in response, "I want you to help the cat!"

(Braise… hmm… isn't that when you dump something in a bucket of lard before you fry it? I AM THE QUEEN, AND I DECLARE FROM THIS DAY FORWARD THAT THERE SHALL BE, IN MY KINGDOM, LARD-CAKES FOR BREAKFAST, LUNCH, AND FRUITCAKE! AAHA HA HA HAA HA HAAAAA!)



"I," quoth the veterinarian, "really don't see anything wrong with your cat."

The cat was now sitting on the little circle of ceiling that had been snipped from the semi-solid structure. She shivered slightly and started slouching suddenly, staring somewhere off in space.

Ms. Mars mopped up Murray by his mandible, making the mumbling man march towards the cat menacingly. Ami looked on semi-indifferently.

"AWWw, cuh uooo pwees wet ngo ov moiy moufh?" Murray said as Raye seized his upper jaw and dragged him up to the cat.

When they got to the cat, Murray almost didn't notice the totally noticeable green streak that was running down Luna's back.

Murray sprang up, grabbed the cat and held her up by both hands in front of himself.

"My little thermo-nuclear cherry-bomb!" Murray said to Luna lovingly, then hugged her, "I know what's wrong with you!"

The cat shivered some more and mumbled slightly.

"You just need a little purgative, yes-you-dooo-yes-you-dooo!" he kissed the cat on the cheek and set her down gingerly. Murray turned to Raye and Ami, "You got any syrup of ipecac or Jane Fonda exercise tapes?"

"Well, I have a few…" Ami started, but was interrupted by Raye.

"We keep plenty of ipecac in the back," Raye leaned toward a room, "I'm not sure why, though." Raye went into the previously indicated room.

Murray picked up the cat again, "We'll get you all better, yes we will!"

"JA-JA," Sailor Mariachi yelled, "¡Tu mochilla es más grande que la mia!"

—Ha-ha, your backpack is bigger than mine!—

Ms. Mumbling Mariachi wasn't wearing a backpack.

"¿Mo… chilla?" the daimon said slowly and carefully, looking over its shoulder.

—Back… pack?—

"¡Tequila, ya!" Sailor Mariachi yelled at an unseen stagehand.

—Tequila, now!—

An arm reached in front of her, holding a bottle. She took the bottle gingerly, tried to drink from it, and got nothing.

"¡Ey!" Sailor Mariachi raised the bottle to eye level. "¿Dónde está mi tequila?"

—Hey! Where's my tequila?—

The worm that was in the bottle wriggled up to the side and looked at Ms. Mariachi drunkenly.

"¡El gusano la bebió toda!"

—The worm drank it all!—

"Míralo," the transformed Serena said, smiling and tapping the glass, "me está sonriendo."

—Look at him, he's smiling at me.—

Something snapped inside of the daimon's head suddenly, and one of its eyes went squinty. It took a hose that was on the side of her stomach-pump backpack and pointed it at Sailor Mariachi. She looked up at the daimon.

"¿Oh, así que estás listo para pelear?" she said, throwing the bottle over her shoulder and readying her guitar.

—Oh, so you're ready to fight?—

The daimon gave a mad, toothy grin and nodded its head vigorously.

"Okay." She shrugged her shoulders. "Prepárate a morir."

—Okay, prepare to die.—

"AaaaaaaAAAAAAAAHHHH!" the daimon ran at her with the stomach pump nozzle in hand, yelling.

Sailor Mariachi stepped to the side, took the daimon by the waist with both hands, and threw the stomach pump monster gracefully up into the air like a ballerina. It didn't land so gracefully, however.

"DAAAIMOOOOOOON *THUMP**OMPH*" it said onomatopoeiadically, as it hit the floor. The daimon was a bit stunned, but it managed to stand up dizzily.

"Now!" Mina poked her head around the corner of the doorway, "Sailor, um…" she looked in her mind for the right name, "Mariachi!" Mina yelled and ducked back into the other room.

"Sí," Serena responded calmly, strumming a G-cord slowly and gently. "¡Banda, su descanzo ha terminado!"

—Yes. Band, your rest has ended!—

The band appeared once more.

"¡EeeEEE-he-he-hee!" a guy made a kind of high-pitched, whiny sound as the band began to play a nameless Mexican tune.

Sailor Mariachi held up a hand, shushing the music.

"Quiero la número doce," she said slyly, squinting her eyes a little.

—Give me number 12.—

The band gasped and looked at each other in disbelief.

"Pero… pero…" a young man in the front stepped forward.

—But… but…—

"¡NINGÚN PERO! Quiero la número doce," Serena yelled, but then got quiet again.

—NO BUTS! Give me number 12.—

The adolescent boy stepped back, and the band straightened its ranks. Someone tapped three beats on a music stand with a director's baton. They stared playing the William Tell overture.

"¡¡¡¡LUNA… MARIACHI… FRIJOLES LOCOS!!!!" Serena played her guitar (as well as possible, considering the type of music) and began her attack. Suddenly, gigantic Mexican jumping beans rode in on horseback, firing their pistolas in the air and yelling.

—Moon… Mariachi… CRAZY BEANS!!!!—

"¡Yeehaw-yipa-yipa-yeehaw-ARRIBBA-yeeeehaw!" they rode up in front of the daimon and dismounted. They put their guns away and pulled out bags of jellybeans. They took handfuls of beans out of the bags and began to stuff them down the daimon's throat, continuing to yell.

The daimon gagged. It took the stomach pump hose and tried to pump the jellybeans out of its own stomach. When it got most of the jellybeans out, a Mexican jumping bean quickly removed the hose and made it eat more, starting the process over again.

"¡ALTO! ALTO!" the daimon whined between gaggings.


The Mexican jumping beans discontinued their rampage and stood back away from the daimon.

"¿Ahwdlow ehwanoh?" the daimon covered her mouth and said.

—Ahwh heeh haneh?—

"¿Qué?" one of the beans questioned.


"¿Yo hablo español?" the stomach pump creature repeated with its mouth uncovered.

—I speak Spanish?—

"¡Sí!" Serena stated somewhat stoicly, as a Spanish-speaking salesman should.


Meanwhile, back at Raye's temple (of doom)…

Raye read the label on the ipecac.

*** WARNING: do not use ipecac on cats without the consent of a feline physician or poison specialist ****

Raye stopped and thought for a little bit about why they needed to be that specific on a warning label, then shrugged and went on.

"Here you go." Raye handed the bottle to Vet Kalipso.

The veterinarian looked at the bottle; it was a half-pint glass bottle. He turned it around a few times, examining the syrupy extract of the Cephaelis Ipecacuanha plant. He opened it up, smelled it, tasted a little: it was made of nice, stomach upsetting alkaloids. Finally, the pet-doctor announced, "This might do,"

Amy stared on in a sort of apathetic interest as Mr. Kalipso began to administer the ipecac to the cat.

The tall man with the almost totally unnoticeably white splotch in his hair kneeled down near the cat and turned it over onto its back. He grabbed a funnel from his bag, and stuck it in-between the catatonic cat's carnivorous chewers. Taking the bottle firmly in one hand and the lid firmly in the other, he twisted one free from the other. He held the bottle a few feet above the funnel and began to pour it out, letting a long stream of syrup flow down into the cat's stomach. He didn't really need the funnel, but it was there in case he missed.

A fourth of the bottle was drained.

"Umm… ahem…" Raye cleared her throat in an attempt to get the Veterinarian's attention. "A-A-A-HEM!" She moved closer; a third of the bottle now empty.

"What?" Vet Kalipso responded finally.

"Don't you think that's a little too much?" Raye hadn't had much experience with ipecac, but she new that a half a bottle of any drug was probably too much, especially for a cat.

Three-fourths of the bottle was down the cat.

"Probably," the veterinarian shrugged.

It was too late to stop him, though. The bottle was expended and tossed to the side. Doc Kalipso took the funnel out of the cat's mouth, laid her on her stomach, sat down, and waited.

After a few moments, Luna began to stir.

(What? Is she baking a cake? Or brownies? OHHH! I like brownies!)



A big, white seal, at least twice the size of Luna, slowly crept out of her mouth, looking very depressed.

Raye looked at Amy, then Amy looked at Raye. They both looked at what came out of the cat.

"That tasted soooooo depressing," he said, looking up at everyone with his sad eyes, as he had been traumatized by a lampshade when he was very young.

Suddenly, an unknown young girl burst into the room that and took Mylar lovingly in her arms.

"Ohhhh, you're so cute," she said, hugging him tightly, "I'm gonna to take you to Wyoming!"

The fluffy, white seal squirmed and tried to get away in futility.

"NOO—huh-huh-huhh—OOOOOo!!!" Mylar, which was his name, yelled brokenly in supreme displeasure at the idea, "NOT WYOMING!!!"

The two went out the door as the rest of the ones who weren't involved in the inside joke were left staring on.

Luna seemed a little more comfortable now, her eyes were closed, and her breathing wasn't so shallow, but she still wasn't there yet. She shivered a little bit and there was still a green streak down her back.

"We're going to need something else," the vet figured.

"¿Por qué hablo español?" the daimon said as more subtitles appeared at their feet.

—Why do I speak Spanish?—

"Stupid subtitles," Janitor Kalipso mumbled to himself as he swept some letters into a garbage bag, "Always left to clean up afterward… everybody thinks they just disappear… they read them and then they go away, but no… Murray has clean up subtitles till next Tuesday…" He continued sweeping, but his sentences became unintelligible grumbles.

"Tal vez no hablamos en subtitulo, por Murray pobrecito," Serena suggested.

—Maybe we shouldn't speak in subtitle, for poor little Murray.—

"Oh, no me gusta armado caballeros," the daimon whined, hopping a little and stamping her feet a couple of times in a sort of small tantrum.

—Oh, I don't like armed young men.—

"Get over it," Sailor Mariachi said, her words not quite matching her lips.

"Hey," the daimon spoke, but what came out wasn't a high, mousey voice. Instead, it was the low voice of James Earl Jones. "Eww… they didn't get my voice right at all!"

"Sounds pretty good to me!" Serena smiled and gave a quick nod of her head.

"At least they got your voice mostly right," the daimon said, taking her neck by one hand and trying futilely to massage the dubbed voice out.

"Righty-O!" Serena snapped back into the mood she was in before the dubbed conversation began. "Where were we?" Serena asked this just as the daimon punched herself in the throat. It seemed like a really stupid thing to do, but it worked, sort of.

"I believe we were trying to hurt each other," Ms. Stomach pump daimon replied, her voice now being like that of a mouse being slowly crushed by a large anvil. She took the pumper-hose from the side of her backpack and readied it.

"And I was winning," Serena added.

"Nuh-uh, can't prove it!" the daimon yelled in a whiny manner, making a pitifully angry stand.

Serena gave a smile and a look that one gives when they know that they are in complete control of a situation. With a snap of her fingers, Serena summoned the beans once more to aid her in the dispatching of an adversary. As the beans ran forward, the daimon waved her hands in front of herself.

"No, NO! NOT AGAIN!" she screamed, then cringed and stepped backwards, "I give up! Call them off!"

The beans held off a bit.

"Okay, but you'll have to swear complete obedience to my commands, make full restitution for your evil deeds…" Serena paused to search her mind for one last thing, "and change your name to 'Chiisai Kebukai Neko'."

"Okay, I'll do it!" Chiisai pleaded, "but… the name?"

Serena glanced at the beans, which the beans knew was an order to press forward.

"Fine! I love the name! It's great! MAKE 'EM STOP!" the daimon was on the verge of tears.

Serena snapped her fingers once more and the beans disappeared. The daimon ran up to Serena and hugged her legs.

"Oh, thankyou thankyou-thank-you-thank-you!" She hugged Serena's lower limbs lovingly.

"We'll call you 'Fluffy' for short," Serena's smile changed to a warm one as she patted the little monstrosity on the head.

Serena walked to the dining area with the daimon still attached to her leg. When she arrived, she found the group; Sailor Venus, Sailor Jupiter, Waiter Kalipso, Host Kalipso, Judge Kalipso, Habberjug and Willywug were all playing poker.

"Go fish!" Habberjug said to Willywug.

Willywug picked up a card from the deck.

"Gin!" Willywug yelled and put his cards down on the table.

"How many times do I have to tell you?" Judge Kalipso said to the two, "That isn't how you play poker!"

"It may not be how yew play poka'," Habberjug retaliated.

Serena was a bit miffed that she had to do all the work.

"Well, I'm a bit miffed!" Serena said, walking up to the table. "I had to do all the work while you sat in here and played poker!"

"Blackjack!" Willywug yelled, turning one of his cards over. He was oblivious to the conversation going on.

"You sound a bit miffed," Host Kalipso said. "Did we leave you too much work to do?"

"Never mind," Serena said, and waddled off toward Raye's temple. She could smell plot emanating from that direction.

Doc Kalipso tried everything from plungers to vacuum cleaners, but nothing seemed to be able to suck out the remaining substance that was in Luna's stomach.

"Well, I'm not sure what to do," Vet Kalipso said, peering down the cat's throat, "That sure is some stubborn stuff that your cat swallowed. If only I had my stomach pump!"

"What happened to your stomach pump?"

"It grew legs this morning and walked off," Vet Kalipso said sadly. He shook his head. "I really liked that stomach pump."

"Are you going to have to…" Raye was about to ask if he was going to have to cut her open, but she glanced at the chainsaw that the veterinarian had used earlier and decided not to bring it up. "…Call another doctor?"

"No," Vet Kalipso replied. "I'm the man when it comes to cats."

Raye wasn't totally convinced of that.

There came a scraping sound from outside, like something being dragged across the ground while it's attached to someone's leg.

Amy looked outside and found some sort of Mexican person in a big hat coming towards the temple with a daimon attached to her leg.

"Hey, Raye," Amy shouted back inside. "There's someone strange outside."

Raye came to the door, peeked out, and stared in confusion.

Vet Kalipso also came to the door, but instead of finding confusion, he found something that he'd been looking for.

"My stomach pump!" he said gleefully, and ran up to the daimon that was clinging to Sailor Mariachi's leg. He hugged the daimon and pried it off of the leg to which it had clung.

"Huh?" the daimon let out in surprise as it was lifted into the air.

—¿Que?— A stray subtitle found its way into the scene. Sailor Mariachi frowned at it and kicked it quickly into a bush.

Raye and Amy walked out towards Sailor Mariachi as Mr. Kalipso ran back inside with the daimon.

"Who are you?" Raye asked to 'el Mexicano Marinero Soldado de Amor, Justico, y Otras Cosas'.

"I am…" Sailor Mariachi snapped her fingers and reverted to 'normal' Serena. "Serena!"

(Is she doing some sort of Q impression?)


This, of course, surprised all that were present.

(Yup, all two of 'em)


(Well, I'm surprised!)


(Would you quit that?)

{No… ***BONK***}

"Serena, what's with the Mexican outfit?" Raye asked.

"Don'tcha like it?" Serena returned, "It strikes fear into the hearts of all who would oppose me!"

Raye wasn't totally convinced of a lot of things lately, and this was one of them.

"What is going on with you?" Raye wanted to make some measure of sense from Serena's actions over the past few days, "Have you been smokin' hash?"

"No, I'd never do anything of the sort!" Serena was a little offended.

"Have you been licking toads?" Raye continued.

"Only on Wednesdays!" Serena said with a confidence that one argues with only when someone has found a horrible secret. "Aaany way, I um… We have to go inside now." Serena ran inside.

Raye and Amy followed.

(Amy sure is quiet!)

{Unlike some people! You no talk now! People trying to read!}





Inside, they found Vet Kalipso hooking up Luna to the Daimon's stomach pump pack. Luna was too out of it to care, and the daimon was too traumatized to resist, so Kalipso man went happily about his business.

"You ran away just as I needed you the most!" Vet Kalipso said to the stomach pump. "I forgive you this time, but don't let it become a habit!" The veterinarian shook a disappointed finger at the stomach pump and made a few final adjustments.

"What'cha doin'?" Serena asked.

"I'm fixing your cat," Murray responded and flipped the start switch.

"Oh," Serena said and watched as the stomach pump began to work. The machine vibrated slightly and hummed. The green stripe down Luna's back began to disappear, going up from the rear. As the stripe got smaller, the pump emitted signs of strain. It vibrated more furiously and the humming lowered in pitch.

"Murray! It needs… more… power!" Serena said to Vet Kalipso.

"I can't give 'er any morrrre!" Vet Kalipso, in a flustered moment, hit the stomach pump with a hammer.

The stomach pump revved with a jolt of power and sucked the object from Luna's stomach with a *plomp*. The green stripe was gone and whatever was in Luna was now in the stomach pump.

"Good little stomach pump!" Vet Kalipso said and rubbed its belly, "Yes you are! Yesyouare!"

"So… what?" Raye asked, "Is Luna all better now?"

Murray stopped playing with the stomach pump like a puppy and went over to examine the cat. He opened her eyelids, straightened her legs, stood her up, and peaked the corners of her mouth into a smile. Luna still didn't look too happy.

"Yep!" Murray said happily (you did know his name was Murray, didn't you?). "All better!"

The whatever that was in the stomach pump knocked three times on the top of the pack part.

Everybody except Serena and Murray looked at each other in surprise. Serena leaned up close to the stomach pump repository case.

"Who's there?" Serena asked.

"ArbyFish!" a muffled reply came from inside.

"ArbyFish who?" Serena queried.

"ArbyFish an' a can'a beans! Now open up!" it said impatiently.

Serena released the latch that held the container closed.

"'ELLO!" And Arby, the ArbyFish, popped out and thus began the rampage of the Sailor Moon universe!

"Who are you? What are you? Where did you come from? How did you get inside Serena, and then inside Luna? When did this all happen?" Amy finally spoke up to the ArbyFish.

"Well, ya see…" Arby began.


End Chapter 2

Author's notes: Special thanks to Latin_D for correcting the Spanish dialog… and my most sincere apologies to all the Spanish-speaking readers who suffered before they were made!


Coming next chapter:

Arby's explanation

BatterSpoon, anyone?

Luna's metamorphosis?

Murrays, Murrays, and more Murrays!

—Daniel Oliver,

Chapter 3
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